Since my trips to Earth, I’ve only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese’s, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got...

It is proved…that things cannot be other than they are, for since everything was made for a purpose, it follows that everything is made for the best purpose.

When asked, “Why do you always wear black?”, he said, “I am mourning for my life.

I’m sorry to disturb you, madam,’ said Nurse, ‘but I thought I’d better speak to you. It’s about Miss Delia’s knickers’ she continued, after a glance at the Vicar and a rapid decision that his...

She’s been, but she’s coming back,” he said. “I expect her every minute. Ah! there she is.”This was rather stupid of Stephen. He ought to have guessed that Lucia’s second appearance was officially intended to...

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

We,Seth, Emperor of Azania, Chief of the Chiefs of Sakuyu, Lord of Wanda and Tyrant of the Seas, Bachelor of the Arts of Oxford University, being in this the twenty-fourth year of our life, summoned...

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

Satirize wickedness if you must–but pity weakness.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed,...

You didn’t make her sue you, even if you did punch her at that wedding.

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the...

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

That’s not a religion, that’s Pokemon.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...

I’m not scared of death, I just don’t want to seek it out.

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

The PM glanced a look of pure malevolence. A terrifying glimpse into what madness, ego and naked ambition it takes to lead a modern democracy.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who will guard the guards?

It was the first time.”The woman looked at Rat again, harder. The silence was more painful than the words. What she had just heard went beyond plain immorality. It was ridiculous.

Have I not told youdinosaurs were past glorythey extinct big time.

A satirist is never certain whether he/she will be acclaimed or punished.

Nobody could catch cold by the sea; nobody wanted appetite by the sea; nobody wanted spirits; nobody wanted strength. Sea air was healing, softening, relaxing — fortifying and bracing — seemingly just as was wanted...

A fellow who once manipulated the money in your wallet but now curses the fellow who does.

Ich meine, die Bibel hat doch alle Ingredienzien eines Dan-Brown-Bestsellers. Völkermord, Inzest, Vergewaltigung und irgendwas Abgefahrenes mit Religion.

Some people in orthodox churches in Africa take poverty as a path that leads to heaven, making christianity look unattractive.

You are either on Wall Street or you’re a bum and there’s nothing in between.

U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe.He take one last bite of the Chicago style deep dish pizza that he has flown...

I know what ails you.

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

When a sex tape gets made a star is born with a publicity agent on speed dial a six figure payout and a line of tacky lingerie in the works

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

While pensive poets painful vigils keep,Sleepless themselves, to give their readers sleep.

Marcia was silent a moment. Then a sort of softer gleam came into her angry eye.”Tell me some more about her,” she said.Adele clapped her hands.”Ah, that’s splendid,” she said. “You’re beginning to feel kinder....

I wouldn’t dignify it with the name immoral.

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.

Changing the name, from India to Bharat doesn’t matters me. Whatever the name, she deserves respect and will remain close to my heart, Ever!

… they only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had...

It was madness to leave without your useless shit. You came in with it, you left with it–that was how it worked. What would you use to clutter a new office with if not your...

And so the result of several years of Everybody Shareskyism, other than slaughtering people, is for everybody to stand around and stare blankly at each other.

it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786.” It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since...

Displaying vice to the mockery of men deals it a great blow. Men put up with admonition but are loath to be mocked. One might be willing to be wicked; one cannot bear to appear...

Presenting a rational argument to a person who has forsaken the use of reason is like asking a vegetarian to eat a cheeseburger.

Women, when they kill themselves, choose far more romantic methods – like slashing their wrists or taking an overdose of sleeping pills.Abandoned princesses and Hollywood actresses have provided numerous examples of this.

F***ing triffids.

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach’s Air on the G string.

Do you believe,” said Candide, “that men have always slaughtered each other as they do today, that they’ve always been liars, cheats, traitors, ingrates and thieves, weak, fickle, cowardly, envious, greedy, drunken, miserly, ambitious, bloodthirsty,...

My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.

Later in the week Mr Knox’s Annie bicycled over to see Stoker and ask her to waive the lien which she had on her sister’s services, as they would be required for the weekend.’She’s having...

Can’t say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery.