Well, I think Leo’s either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity– or go nuts and kill us all.” -Crash

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Of course. I died today, and now I’m going to fight aliens with a light saber. Maybe after that we can look for mermaids. Or unicorns.””No,” he says. “Just aliens.”Was that the barest hint of...

Whatever doesn’t kill them, makes them make reality TV shows…

No. I’ve just been pretending to use my left hand my entire life because I enjoy never being able to work scissors properly.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

Sometimes, I think, that in the mornings when you first wake up, every thing that happened in the previous day rushes through our mind so fast, we, A: Don’t realize it. B: Become more tired,...

Abby wouldn’t want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle...

How many kids are in the Graveyard?””A bunch.””Who sends your supplies?””George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.””How often do you receive new arrivals?””About as often as you beat your wife.

You are in good shape for a dead man.

I was dead, and I hadn’t even been able to attend my own funeral.

What if,” replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, “we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so as to shield the words from public view?

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

You’ve missed a lot of things. But mostly I think you’ve missed several opportunities to leave. Let me assist you to the door so that you won’t miss this next one.

Sometimes when I have the feeling like I’m almost crying, it can turn into an almost-laughing feeling.

You’re just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don’t think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at...

Sarcasm is wasted on those who haven’t had a decent night’s sleep, my darling.

[about a hat] You can put it on and say, “Hey you, person without a hat! I’ve got something you don’t! How did I get it? Probably by being worth more to society.

I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

My other hand?’ Lopen said. ‘The one that was cut off long ago, eaten by a fearsome beast? It is making a rude gesture toward you right now. I thought you would want to know,...

Have you noticed we can breathe in here too?Gosh, I wouldn’t have picked up on that.

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves...

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It’s good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

He paused at the bedroom door, shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and walked right out like it was any other morning, and he and Jack would be having breakfast as if they hadn’t...

…even though I was getting better education at home than any of the kids in Toyah, I’d need to go to finishing school when I was thirteen, both to acquire social graces and to earn...

Baptists don’t spend their time thinking about reality.

It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.

Your cell phone is on the nightstand. Call me immediately if something changes. I don’t care if you are merely dizzy or if you start seeing pink dragons, do you understand?” I solemnly swear I...

She’d met Colin on a Monday.She’d kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words...

También le he visto a usted. Ozzera. Crispin. ,Verdad?Christian-corrigió Lissa

Mystics are all a bit funny in the head anyway,” the priest added cynically, “which is why the church locks them all up in mental hospitals and euphemistically calls these institutions monasteries.

I am Captain Dakkan. I am in charge of this facility.””Captain Dakkan,” Ryan repeated. “It’s good to meet you. I’ve heard… well… nothing about you…

Yes, heaven forbid I not be protected from tanks.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

Yes, Marshall.” I gnawed on my fingers some more and sunk back in my chair.

Oh. I get it now. God had Nader beat my ass and my mom leave my dad just so Jodi could learn how to chop onions and use a propane grill. Great. Awesome.

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

Promise me you’ll look after yourself … stay out of trouble …’‘I always do, Mrs Weasley,’ said Harry. ‘I like a quiet life, you know me.

Dan sent me over to assist you and learn how to tend the bar.” Doms could be pain-in-the-ass mother hens.

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

It was a very proper wedding. The bride was elegantly dressed—the two bridemaids were duly inferior—her father gave her away—her mother stood with salts in her hand expecting to be agitated—her aunt tried to cry—...

Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.