I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

Nothing is a masterpiece – a real masterpiece – till it’s about two hundred years old. A picture is like a tree or a church, you’ve got to let it grow into a masterpiece. Same...

Beauty should be edible, or not at all.

One man’s nonsense is another man’s sense.

I took a bunch of pictures. You can see ’em on my MySpace page, along with my favorite songs and movies and things that other people have created but that I use to express my...

Even if there are instances in which it can be mistook by onlookers, never fool yourself into using misunderstood genius as an excuse to be a fool.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

he said.

I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2...

But Noodynaady’s actual ingrate tootle is of come into the garner mauve and thy nice are stores of morning and buy me a bunch of iodines.

Don’t for heaven’s sake, be afraid of talking nonsense! But you must pay attention to your nonsense.

To recognize bullshit, nose is better than ear.

The safe and cultural method of eating crackers in bed is to wear a diver’s suit instead of pajamas.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats walking through a car wash, like I used to do when I worked...

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll give you the best price (for myself), because business is better when love...

The reflexive allergy to L.A. that a lot of New Yorkers have, I feel like it’s kind of nonsense.

The Red Queen shook her head. “You may call it ‘nonsense’ if you like,” she said, “but I’ve heard nonsense, compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary!

Well, Diotallevi and I are planning a reform in higher education. A School of Comparative Irrelevance, where useless or impossibe courses are given. The school’s aim is to turn out scholars capable of endlessly increasing...

Saya menulis, anda hanya pembaca…

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

…I would not engage the wombatIn any form of mortal combat.

Sense isn’t democratic. An opinion uttered by 99 people does not necessarily make more sense than an opposing opinion that was uttered by one person.

How do you know nonsense isn’t a good thing? if human nonsense had been nurtured and developed for centuries, just as intelligence has, then perhaps something extraordinarily previous could have come from it.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

It was badly received by the generation to which it was first addressed, and the outpouring of angry nonsense to which it gave rise is sad to think upon. But the present generation will probably...

Quarrel? Nonsense; we have not quarreled. If one is not to get into a rage sometimes, what is the good of being friends?

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can’t remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons...

So weenybeenyveenyteeny.