It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

I was supposed to be gutted but that’s all nonsense. I’m happy as I am. I’m single and not looking for anything. I have a great collection of mates I can talk to,

that makes it damn nearly impossible for me to say anything. I’ve lost the knack of making sense. I speak gibberish to the civilized world, and it replies in kind.

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.

It made hard-core people harder core, … Ultimately it had a good effect because it made such nonsense of so many views about guns.

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Seeking a woman who looks like a feminized version of L. Ron Hubbard to help me decode intergalactic messages that I might receive on my Alien Communication Helmet. And after we receive and decode the...

Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush.

Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Helen Kelleresque.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

Poetry is sublime nonsense.

Board the cows! We’ve come to enslave your marigolds.

Of course, if we do find the Great Glom, we will see other gloms as well,” said Dottia. “I mean, he will not exist alone, will he? Mythic creatures like him are often spoken of...

When I was young, most teachers of philosophy in British and American universities were Hegelians, so that, until I read Hegel, I supposed there must be some truth to his system; I was cured, however,...

I’ll wear a fork on my head, and if anybody wants a job, they can eat salad off my scalp.

I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I...

Agatha’s older than I was when I was her age.

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

Pick up a thing,” [Wizard Kadmeion’s]mother would say. “Touch, smell, and taste it. Listen to its nonsense. Then put the funny thing in its proper place.

I love to talk about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.

When the person you love can’t see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.

The results of decades of neurotransmitter-depletion studies point to one inescapable conclusion: low levels or serotonin, norepinephrine or dopamine do not cause depression. here is how the authors of the most complete meta-analysis of serotonin-depletion...

I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.

In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

Forget about lien about you behind your back and talking nonsense, some people can lie to you looking in your eyes…

I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

Nonsense remains nonsense, even when talked by world-famous scientists.

in nonsense is strength

If I propose to myself and myself says yes, I get to have the cake, right? I love me, so I’m thinking 12 tiers.

Consider the possibility that many of the things you hear and say are utter nonsense and meaningless repetitions of noise.

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let...

Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.

Your book is nonsense.

I am the Zam Maz of love. Or at least I will be, once 572w167e74zx2.

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...

This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and shows how my thinking has changed. It shows me telling a story through...

Garbage in, garbage out. Or rather more felicitously: the tree of nonsense is watered with error, and from its branches swing the pumpkins of disaster.