It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.

Licorice stops erections at the source—the crotch. It also helps against certain poisons, like love.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

Natural rights, nonsense; natural and imprescriptible rights, rhetorical nonsense, elevated nonsense, nonsense going on stilts.

A sensible speaker is a slave to making sense.

When things don’t add up, either you don’t have a calculator or you forgot to use commonsense by simply asking.

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

I called Phil up, but I didn’t call Phillip. He hung up on me, and I’m still hung up about that. To make things right I might just call Phillip and hang up.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

Nonsense is that which does not fit into the prearranged patterns which we have superimposed on reality…Nonsense is nonsense only when we have not yet found that point of view from which it makes sense.

Here, and it goes on to appear now, she comes, a peacefugle, a parody’s bird, a peri potmother, a pringlpik in the ilandiskippy, with peewee and powwows in beggybaggy on her bickybacky and a flick...

But then, not long after, in another article, Loftus writes, “We live in a strange and precarious time that resembles at its heart the hysteria and superstitious fervor of the witch trials.” She took rifle...

NONE OF THIS NONSENSE, PLEASE

How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask-half our great theological and metaphysical problems-are like that.

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

Some people will make nonsense excuses to avoid things they have no interest in doing.

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

I had a dream about you. We almost made love in the produce section of your local grocery store, but when I asked if you brought protection, you told me you’d forgotten the coupons at...

It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?

The greatest sense is indistinguishable from the greatest nonsense.

To finish a work? To finish a picture? What nonsense! To finish it means to be through with it, to kill it, to rid it of its soul, to give it its final blow the...

I keep hearing about a spiritual awakening, but I feel what we need instead is a human one. It would be wonderful and empowering to become free from the disillusionment and nonsense being sold to...

I must say the idea of a United Africa was nonsense.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of love, and to end world hunger.

When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have a deal where if you buy a dozen roses you get a free...

You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like I just rented these fabulous shoes.

I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.

I know I’m going to be successful, regardless. I’m a no-nonsense guy.

To be sure about nonsense he had to be able to classify it, assign it to a family tree of liberal nonsense, humanist-humanitarian nonsense, academic nonsense, Protestant nonsense, Freudian nonsense and so on.

The evolution of sense is, in a sense, the evolution of nonsense.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

I was supposed to be gutted but that’s all nonsense. I’m happy as I am. I’m single and not looking for anything. I have a great collection of mates I can talk to,