If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I’d tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when a gnome showed up in her room promising a life of magic and...

Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves.

Its decision to suck up an extra helping of toddler soup would cost it dearly.

Everyone knows he’s crazier than a shaved mule in a toboggan race.

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he’d been in Quentin–one of the few he...

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn…

Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites,...

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn’t believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy....

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has...

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

At least it’s working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

You’ve got better boobs,” I acknowledged. And just as we’d done each time we’d had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at our chests. Ogled. Compared.

A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring,a few emotional, a handful memorable,others saddening,one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles.

For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least ofall fire! Well, the fireman in question, who had gone to make a roundof inspection in the cellars and who, it seems, had...

As long as you’re not ‘gross full,'” Raj said. “That’s when you’re so full that it’s hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don’t Carpathians have condoms? Because I’m thinking that if you’re all that worried, a condom might be just the thing.” His smile was slow in coming. “I had...

On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt...

‎I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe.

Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…

Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women’s panties spontaneously evaporate.

Get out of my brain!

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Nativity” The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Women” Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, “Strong women make strong...

She shook her head as she confessed, “I want it so much, I’m afraid to hope.” “Never be afraid to hope,” Rohan said gently. “It’s the only way to begin.” -Rohan to Win

“I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, ‘Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair...

Shut up, you fool…Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.

In a Capitol that often takes itself far too seriously, Sonny Bono always managed to keep his sense of humor — a quality that served him well, both in his personal and political lives. He...

Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem

You’re dying to meet my needs. You can’t look away from my luscious half-naked body. The minute I opened the door you were pawing at me. It was like you were in heat or something.

I do believe in killing the messanger.You know why? Its sends a message.

But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men ‘exotic,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath...

You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities...

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

… It wasn’t my finest moment, but I rolled my eyes and actually huffed. “Fine, don’t answer. I don’t even know why I asked.””No, I am not having sex with anyone.””Oh.” I shrugged nonchalantly, but...

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.