There is an old saying, or should be, that it is a wise economist who recognizes the scope of his own generalizations.

Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

Apres moi le wreckage

Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as...

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, ‘Don’t abuse me like your parents abuse you!’ Then call children’s services...

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious.

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did...

Dad, is that you?

I’m stubborn not stupid. There’s a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they’re right when they’re wrong. Stubborn people know they’re wrong but won’t admit it.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.

Let me guess, you’re Harry Potter and this is the school of Hogwarts. If I say Lumos will it light up?

Well, I’d have more zing with George Clooney and Harrison Ford in a threesome, but neither of us are going to get that wish.

I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.

I’m sorry ma’am, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of Pretty Pretty Princess syndrome. Have you ingested any magical woodland faeries recently?

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

Probably the reason the NY Yankees want to move their farm team to Ocala is to recruit me. I am the Babe Ruth of farming.

Simon: So were you following me? Or is it just an amazing coincidence that you happened to be on the roof of a building I was walking by when I got attacked?Jace: I was following...

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn’t a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I’d picked up common sense.

I should name my future son after an orgasm sound. Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.

We do have a highly-advanced biological device called the Illuminator,” Joseph chimed in

Everyone knows that the Internet is changing our lives, mostly because someone in the media has uttered that exact phrase every single day since 1993. However, it certainly appears that the main thing the Internet...

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

It’s not gray,” Clary felt compelled to point out. “It’s green.””If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood,” said Jace.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Wenn einen das Schicksal nicht zum Lachen bringt, dann hat man den Witz nicht kapiert.

Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs,” I said. “We have a protractor.

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

I had a dream about you. We were traveling in your car. You were driving, and I was securely fastened by ropes and duct tape in the trunk. I tried telling you my family has...

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn’t seem to...

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

All right,” Clara said. “We have our swordsman, so let’s get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying...

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.

Do I really run like that?” (Kitty)”Yup,” Martini confirmed. “Don’t worry, I think it’s sexy.””Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs.

You’re Valentine’s son. I’m sure you’re the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you’re charming. Maybe not at the moment.

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Like a pair of dead batteries, I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.

it’s like she knows me already.

Carpe Diem, just remember that we’re partying on the Titanic.

If I was made of cake I’d eat myself before somebody else could.

Edwin, you’re turning this infirmary into a speakeasy.

If love were a color, it’d be orange. Not because that’s a romantic color, but because it’s the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out...