So, I heard you won Ho of the Year.” Well when you put it like that it didn’t sound like such an accomplishment.

Because when you’re a 23-year old party girl who has to pee you don’t really think about the possibility that your nerdy bouncer friend might suddenly start acting like a trench-coated pedophile who flashes kids...

If it comes out black, its Darwin’s and if it comes out white its Ray’s.” This is how things were done in the trailer park.

Judge me if you must, but keep in mind how very little pleasure I could have possibly derived from a one-thrust sex session, a quickie in a closet, and a come-free drunken hookup. If anything,...

People always laugh at me when I tell them I’m scared of pencils, because they can’t fathom why anyone would fear a puncture wound or lead poisoning from a pencil, especially now that it’s impossible...

Lesson learned: If a guy tells you you’re his second choice, don’t make him your first.

Most memoirs about alcoholism, promiscuity, and addiction are deep, sobering tales full of scars that will never heal and include alarming statistics and reflection about recovery.This is not one of those memoirs.

Lesson learned: Don’t ever put a guy up on a pedestal. It’s too easy for him to tip over and fall off.

The Lush hadn’t driven in almost a decade – ever since she got in an accident that shook her so badly she refused to get behind the wheel. As you can imagine, someone nicknamed The...

In an attempt to help me move on from my failed marriage, my mom set me up with Jesus Freak. In fact, the stoner hadn’t even finished moving out when she told me not to...

The entire partying lifestyle was superficial in my experience, and most of my friendships were as deep as a shot glass and as short-lived as a pack of cigarettes.

Lesson learned: If you’re already resorting to writing shitty poetry (not the lovey-dovey kind) to get your guys attention within one month of meeting him, he is not the one.

I thought of my sweet little girl and her chubby cheeks, big brown eyes and long brown hair with bangs that constantly needed trimming. She was all that really mattered in this world, and I...

guilt” didn’t belong in the same sentence unless, say, you were referring to how you felt about the starving children in Africa.