It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

I don’t believe in ONE holy book. I believe all books are holy. Of course, some books are holy shit.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone’s life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital’s Christmas party.

Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?” I hissed. “If I’d wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I’d have mooned everyone before we took off!

The propensity of Earthlings to get into trouble, and to learn thereby, was the reason my owners agreed to this mad venture – although no one expected such a chain of unusual calamities as befell...

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

You’re the picture of respectability and moral character…You expect me to believe you were your parents’ worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice—drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don’t tell me...

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

We’re not retreating, we’re advancing in reverse.’ –Skulduggery Pleasant

As a rule of thumb, it was always safer if the Commander-in-Chief formulated a risky plan.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I’m getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, ‘cos if I’m not, I have no idea who I’m paying for.

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

You look angry,” he said.”You put me on hold.””For a very good reason.””You put me,” she said very, very slowly, “on hold.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

Bhutan does seem a bit unreal at times. Hardly anybody in the U.S. knows where it is. I have friends who still think the entire country is a figment of my imagination. When I was...

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

O honorable strumpet

As special as it is to listen to your friends argue over whether or not you have a mental illness,I’m starting to get the urge to go back to class.

If I were you,And you were I,I would kill myself, But you would die!

I had a dream about a poem once… that’s all, I can’t tell you about it because I had to sign an NDA.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

Math Superstar” program. After each assignment, stars of various colors signifying degrees of excellence were stuck on all the papers handed in. Like the Olympics, gold was the highest honor. Wendy, the girl who sat...

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

(Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)

That could be a very sexy story.

Deep down, Story Easton knew what would happen if she attempted to off herself—she would fail It was a matter of probability. This was not a new thing, failure. She was, had always been, a...

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.

But I’m really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

He’s getting older,” Charles said darkly. “Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?

Oh! to shoot for the stars if feels right. Aim for my heart if it feels right.

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect.

The smell of sex always reminds me of summer youth camps growing up.

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I’m the person going in to be slaughtered, this is...

Hey, dude, it’s me. I brought you all four Bloodsport movies. Open up!” Jason’s voice filtered past the front door, and he and Violet flew apart like teenagers at a party raid. No way. This...

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.