Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we’re more tolerant, and we are–but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, “We think you’re...

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in...

I whirled in the room like a tornado wearing a tracksuit. I wasn’t wearing a tracksuit, but I did have a smirk like a zipper. I loved her like my fly was open to criticism.

Hey, Captain Neckbeard! Less talky-talky, more worky-worky!” Wednesday shouted rudely down at the man who had been changing the tire. She wasn’t planning on taking shit from a tow truck driving hick today or any...

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun...

I’d dig a hole the size of the grand canyon to find a love the size of an acorn, and I’d use a shovel the size of a squirrel.

It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable social geometry can be. Within a couple of days I went from being the centre of the circle to an indefinite point outside its circumference.

Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.

If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product...

That’s ridiculous.” Especially the part about Christian being manly.

You have been spying all along,” Conrad said, unconvinced. “The manhunt for you was a ruse.””Check with the emperor,” Ferrin replied coolly…. “That will not take long,” said a man in the corner, studiously picking...

Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

What the hell was going on, why did I care, and why, oh why, did I not carry a pocket rocket in my purse? My girlie bits were still on fire, screaming for release after...

If coffee is a drug, then I am a junky. And if coffee’s not a drug, then I’m still a junky. Damnit.

I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn’t want to move around very much.

Statement: A girl and a boy jump into a river. The boy swims over to the girl and says, “God, it’s cold.”Question: What’s the probability they will kiss?

it’s a losing battle at this point,but so was the alamo

have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago....

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. ‘I see that my period of intellectual respite has come...

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

Was it my fault that I got out of hand?–Loki

My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better...

When people say there is no place like home, the first to agree are the homeless.

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.

Belatedly, Clary recalled something. “I thought you guys said only some of the vampire bikes could fly?”…[Jace:]”Only some of them can!” “How did you know this was one of them?” “I didn’t!” he shouted gleefully…

Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.

Wasn’t allowed to have pets. I killed my pet cockroach when it crawled into my ear.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

When I envied a man’s spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.

I feel no grief for being called somethingwhichI am not;in fact, it’s enthralling, somehow, like a goodback rub

Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.

If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.

My name is Yogurt Vonnegut, and I write with a spoon.

Can’t we make a blusterer ourselves? asked Jón Hreggviðsson. Can’t we scratch that damned sign with the ax-point onto the chopping block and get a beautiful, chubby woman in here tonight, right now-or preferably three?...

An English traveller relates how he lived upon intimate terms with a tiger; he had reared it and used to play with it, but always kept a loaded pistol on the table.

Girls, if a boy says something that isn’t funny, you don’t have to laugh.

He who knows all the answers, but none of the questions is like a large gobbling bird on Thanksgiving.

Swelter, as soon as he saw who it was, stopped dead, and across his face little billows of flesh ran swiftly here and there until, as though they had determined to adhere to the same...

I like my water on the rocks, and I like those rocks to be in a mountain stream. That’s how I like my coffee too, fresh from a glass of whiskey.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in...

Communism will kill you quicker than a maraschino cherry ever will.

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the...

Indeed, when I came to Italy, I expected to encounter a certain amount of resentment, but have received instead empathy from most Italians. In any reference to George Bush, people only nod to Berlusconi, saying”,”We...