When did my house turn into a hangout for every grossly overpaid, terminally pampered professional football player in northern Illinois?””We like it here,” Jason said. “It reminds us of home.””Plus, no women around.” Leandro Collins,...

There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.

We’ve got our heads pulled low inside of our hooded sweatshirts and our eyes are shifty. We look exactly like you’d expect someone to look if they were minutes away from committing a major crime.

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.

GET IN” he says, getting in on the driver side. I get in with no questions. Okay. This is a bad movie waiting to happen-I’m getting in a car with a guy I just met...

There’s always a but. It’s a magical word. You can say anything you want, go on for as long as you want, and then all you have to do is add the magic word and...

The roof was torn off the gym. God’s way of telling the jocks that they’d better remember who’s really charge.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it’s worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it’s worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style...

I had a dream I was in a dream and then that dream told me I was in someone else’s sock drawer.

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I’d be shooting myself in the head if I were you.

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that’s saying a good deal.

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth. It’s a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well. Ones with the...

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

Let me get this straight. you want me to go stomping through a graveyard brandishing a bottle of booze to rouse an unrestful spirit so that I can interrogate him?” – Cat to Bones

When you know better, you do better!

I’m not going to do that.””of course you’re not.” Jace said. “because you live to torture me, don’t you?””Not everything, Jace, is about you.” Clary said furiously.”Possibly,” Jace said “But you have to admit that...

Love is so stressful. I just want to wear a toga and be a shepherd. If I looked more like Jesus, I’ll bet I’d get more followers on Twitter.

She flipped through the pages of her apps, as if Apple made an app for “Escape from a deserted island.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,’ right? Well guess what? I’ve read every single book on the New York Times list...

Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.

I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people…That’s why I don’t like any of them.

Cazadores de Sombras: se les ve mejor el negro que a las viudas de sus enemigos dede 1234.

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

Charlotte: “It’s too bad they don’t give out diplomas for what you learn at the mall, because I could graduate with honors in that subject. No really. Since I’ve worked there, I’ve become an expert...

The importance of humor is primarily to puncture fixed ideas—to make us step back and realize that our situation, whatever it may be, is, in the grand scheme of things, always contingent and arbitrary and...

There was no sense to life, to the structure of things. D.H. Lawrence had known that. You needed love, but not the kind of love most people used and were used up by. Old D.H....

whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don’t want a gossip to stand downwind of me.

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a...

There aren’t any syringes.” Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. “I know you’ll use this wisely.””Wisely?”...

Poor Amy. I could tell she was suffering. Poor Thing. Life was so tough for the rich, beautiful and magical.

I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

You’d have to take your shoes and breeches off to count to twenty-one!

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important.

I’ve been to the Big House. Not prison, but the Biltmore Estate.

He knew how hot those rumbly-grumbly, gravel-voiced noises made her: hotter than two rats wrestling in a wool sock…only not as scratchy. Or as smelly. Probably less squeaky, too. But she had to be strong....

My love is dangerous, like getting stabbed by a knife handle. I make love like a psychotic dyslexic.

I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but , of a mating ritual.

Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of “systematically assisting Sisyphus’s stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister,” which is easier done than said.

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo,...

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren’t we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?’ he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. ‘A...