It’s a comedy thriller, brilliantly written and it’s full of twists and turns at every page. When I was reading it I was desperate to get to the end to find out what happens, it...

Directors, like actors, get typecast. And because I’ve had great success with comedy and horror and TV shows, that’s basically what I’m kind of offered.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Adam thinks that you two are in an argument.”My body zinged into alert mode. My mind didn’t know what Mrs. Vader meant, but my body already did. Even Sean glanced over at her with a...

Would you like some sacred chocolate?’ a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara’s side. ‘They’ve very special chocolates,’ she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara’s direction. ‘They’re raw and sweetened with Stevia.’Stevia,...

Tim Conway is one of the best-loved comedians in the country. The combination of great comedy with an exciting sport for a worthy cause will be a guaranteed hit with our audience that night.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

Redaction marks are the truth dressed in black burqa.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far so good!

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

Italians speak in italics all the time.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

IF A THING IS WORTH HAVING, ITS WORTH CHEATING FOR.

I’d rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

She incorporates comedy and funny songs – it’s not the kind of thing you’d typically see at a folk concert, but it’s really unique and fun.

Your toaster’s a puff.

Friendship is constant in all other thingsSave in the office and affairs of love.Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues.Let every eye negotiate for itself,And trust no agent; for beauty is a witchAgainst...

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by...

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Usually, comedy shows only influence other comedy shows. ‘M*A*S*H’ is one of the few comedies that influenced dramatic shows as well.

Funny is funny is funny.

Live your life as a novel with a daring, awesome main character; otherwise you’re just there for comic relief.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

One book that I read called Comedy Writing Secrets ‘ by Helitzer made a great point. He said that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.

It’s like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.

An actor who is good at comedy can also be very good at drama, but not necessarily vice versa.

Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it’s yet t’be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin’ position...

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

I think comedy is drama, often. It’s hard to have comedy over a period of time – commercials are one thing, but over a period of time – comedy and tragedy go hand in hand.

Everyone says it’s wrong, ‘drinking and driving’, don’t they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than ‘drinking and driving’: 1. ‘drinking’; 2. ‘driving’.Do you know how many people were killed...

Every few months I’ll pop into a comedy club or go to Vegas.

Pamela, I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks...

Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.

Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I’ve decided to go with L-Board...

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

Excuse me, I must go and putt

you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of...

I go to a lot of stand-up comedy. I find more inspiration from observational stuff than from rap.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

People who are needed by people who need people aren’t the luckiest people in the world.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.