I think the reason I choose the comic approach so often is because it’s harder, therefore affording me the opportunity to show off.

The aim of the conspiracy is to come up with an aim for the conspiracy.

I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

Twas Thomas Edison did declare that waste is worse than loss yet never thought it fit to pare his first name to Tomás

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

I asked you a question. What are you doing here?”Resting his elbows on the side of the tub, he smiled lazily. She hated it when he smiled lazily. “Waiting for the bubbles to evaporate,” he...

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of...

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

Ma la virilità si è tutta smammolata in coccolette; il coraggio svaporato in complimenti, e gli uomini sono diventati tutti lingua, come dei pappagalli ammaestrati. Oggi è più valente di un Ercole chi sa meglio...

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

You know,” Kavita begins, “I think I can pick out my own furniture. I am an artist after all. I do have some taste.””No you don’t.” Nick plainly states. “No man has taste. Besides, I...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

I went from an unemployed actor’s life to doing stand-up comedy, and that was fortuitous. It’s not the usual way the crow flies, going from being in a TV sketch show to playing one of...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I am a huge fan of the show, and I’m very picky with my comedy. I don’t get to do comedy very often, and when they asked me, I jumped at the opportunity. I was...

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

At times we were criticized for doing too much slapstick. I don’t believe in mild comedy, and neither does Lucy.

…you’re either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church.

Comedy works best when people recognise themselves.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

I was hoping that the appeal of the show would stretch beyond the anglophile and comedy-obsessed.

You gonna do somethin’? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

here’s why I take comedies seriously: they present and celebrate the world in which we survive our own and others’ mistakes, follies, transgressions, and deep sins. However lightly, dimly, or bleakly, comedies revel in our...

Because I’m not really certain she’d make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. ‘So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.’ With a tombstone next to it.

In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction.

I couldn’t have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named...

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don’t you have ironing to do”Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

When you’re still typing ‘whilst,’ someone else has already finished typing ‘while.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

If you can’t be with the √-1 you love, love the √-1 you’re with.

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through...