There are two identical twins, and one has money and one doesn’t. Which one is more attractive to women? Exactly—the one that is naked.

I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.

A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the respect a beard brings.

I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.

When congratulations are in order, I like to wait until they’re out of order to offer a high five or enthusiastic pat on the back.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

real” relationship?

I’m not in the City of Love, but I am in love. That’s why I look like I’m crazy, because being crazy is a prerequisite to being in love.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

eccentric.” Let this be a lesson in love.

Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

Ah, you shouldn’t have!” I love a box full of emptiness.

I am the Anagram of Love. I’m not evil, but I am evol. I guess this also makes me the Palindrome of Love!

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think so, and I think that word is jambalaya, but maybe I’m pronouncing love...

I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto your wrist, and two, time isn’t something you can watch; it’s a concept you have to grasp.

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they were as real. At least a dream is in the now.

If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank.

The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.

A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.

I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

I make my living as a farmer. I milk the clock at work. And I make love like a dentist. Oh yes, I am that erotic.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

The woman in this photo can’t believe what she’s hearing. And since it’s a photo, I can’t hear what she’s not believing. I’ll bet she doesn’t believe she’s not the killer.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

We fell in love like nobody’s business. I wish it was everyone’s business, so that I could have made money off it.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

The business of business is people, not products or services. Take care of the people, and the people will take care of you.

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...