I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar?

A helicopter is just like a flying ceiling fan. My love is the journey of the breeze.

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by...

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color...

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought I could cure both at once, so I tricked you into getting naked...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.

A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned to swim. Grandpa glued a gerbil to my back, dropped me off in...

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

I want to save the environment. I like being green as much as the next Smurf.

A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to give up and let the issue, and your body, rest.

As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people...

Jacksonville has sunny days 80% of the year. That’s probably why 20% of my body is always untanned. Who knew that the fraction 20% is shaped like a Speedo?

A brick could be used as a door handle. On an all-brick house this would be great, but on an all-brick car it’d be even better.

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.

Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two.

With networking, some people build bridges, some people burn bridges, and some people, like myself, use a boat to cross the river that divides us from one another. Well, with all the animals I associate...

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

In the long run, even a marathon looks like a sprint. This is how I can love with such Roger Bannisteresque intensity.

I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to bring it up from hell.

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in...

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

Love, it’ll make you feel better before it’ll make you feel worse. So it’s like inverse medicine.

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I...

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

I am quite possibly the world’s bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the 90s. I was one of them, though mine was just a fender bender and I left before the cops showed up.