Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people who encounter letters on a daily basis in math equations, not romantic poetry.

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

I stepped on the bug to prove I love her, and show that I’d kill for her. Is there really any mystery as to why the guy she was talking to before me just disappeared...

You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a...

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

I watch you while you sleep. Is that love? It would be, if I put down my binoculars, and you picked up your phone.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.

I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I’m still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

I don’t want a home, but I do want to buy a lot that I like a lot.

I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

Love is snowy, like the raincloud I left in the freezer. I would ski on the slope of your kiss, but I’d be fearful of an avalanche.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.

My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

Our relationship is getting serious. I now know she likes Karaoke. Next she’ll tell me she loves coffee. And then she’ll say she loves me—but not as much as she loves coffee.

For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest.

I like my cakes nude, like I like wearing coats made of icing. I sweat hot coffee, so I wear cream deodorant. If you’re tired, you should lick my armpits.

I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.

I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

shit!

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Ruby has eyes that sparkle like emeralds. Or sapphires. Not too sure what color her eyes are, because I try to avoid eye contact with murder suspects—especially if they are sexy.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.