I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I did a face plant. Ivy was her name.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.

The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

I sell sex by the coffee cup. I don’t go by small, medium, or large, I go by deep, deeper, and deepest.

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, “Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water.” and I thought,...

Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a...

A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.

My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.

If I could adorn myself with a question, I’d wear a where. It would never go out of style, because location is everything.

I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my clone had it stored in a cryogenic freezer.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

Love is like a trapdoor for the heart .

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

I love hellos that last a lifetime, and goodbyes that are invisible, inaudible, and otherwise undetectable. Tell your mom I’m waving at her.

It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.

Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry.

When describing myself, I don’t use superlatives. Just normal latives. And if I use the same word more than once to describe myself, it’s a relative. This is how I became my own father. And...

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies.

She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love...

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.

My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person.

Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.

Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.

Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.

Will you be my formal yawn formation at dawn? One rocking chair nailed to the floor does not make a relationship, if you know what I mean.

An anonymous man has no power, because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength, because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.