You have to be patient, because I am not—and one of us has to be, so it might as well be you. And here, to help with your impatience, you can start being patient right...

Running, it runs in my family. Wheelchairs also run in my family. Is it possible to race in a marathon while sitting down?

I am the Fruit Basket of Love. You should do a painting of how I feel.

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended up pulling my groin muscle.

Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either...

I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.

Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when...

I live dangerously, but I love safely. I always buy magnum condoms, because they’re the only ones that’ll fully stretch over my front door’s handle.

Well I would have used silverware if you hadn’t sold all the forks and spoons to pay for your Ethel Merman addiction.”

My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.

I have a Secret. I keep it under my arms in the form of deodorant.

I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.

The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded.

We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.

I had a dream about you. I should have waited until you were finished eating to tell you I love you, because you vomited all over my tablecloth. But that’s OK, because it was multi-colored...

I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?

A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.

The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it’s too weird not to be. Also, consider the evidence. He lives in Wisconsin and does...

Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman.

Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...

I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.

I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so...

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.

Mannequin parts disassembled and discombobulated coming together for a good cause—to sell some clothes. That’s what charity is all about.

I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.

I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.

When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all...

Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.

If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.

I’m interested in women as a whole, not simply as three holes.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally bring up the newest model automobile you have for sale.

I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.

If death is the end of life, what is birth the end of?

I have two hands so I can provide companionship to myself by holding one hand with the other. As a lover, I am self-sufficient.

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.

My plan to live from 65 to forever is to simply keep showing up. I also don’t want to retire at the same age as a road’s speed limit—unless that speed limit is 35. Live...

Some wise guys came by my business establishment and tried to offer me neighborhood protection. They weren’t mafia, but they were wearing togas.

The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.

I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.

She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?

I want to merge oven mitts with boxing gloves, so I could effectively, and safely, fight fires. After all, fire fighters make better lovers.

I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a stiffy.

If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy.

Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next...

When her and I made love, I cried, out of loneliness.

He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.