I don’t sit on material like a sofa. I also don’t sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

I always thought it was Mo Be Dick. I know Mo, and he is a dick.

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

Welcome to Unwelcome.

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I folded my map in half and used it to make a sandwich. Then I dipped it in coffee and ate all of Europe and half of Russia.

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?

I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.

If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

Mouths are self-loathing and prejudiced, because one mouth will never talk to another mouth—it’ll only talk to two ears. Likewise, the hatred is so great that one mouth will never listen to another mouth, even...

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

To be environmentally friendly, I’d ride my stationary bike to work. I hope my career works out, because it feels like I’m just spinning my wheels.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.

Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

If I had to believe, I would. But I don’t, and I do.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

The best present is wrapped in fur. And when you shake the package, it meows. Give the gift of love, before it runs away and gets run over.

I have roots in this community. Those roots are blonde.

If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.

According to a poll conducted by ilovecatsandjarodkintz.com, Jacksonville’s favorite pet is the cat at 100 votes to 0 for dogs, birds, fish, or peeves.

I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.

Warning: Do not open.

You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?

Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.