My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

I am you in the future.” The only thing sillier than a clone, is a dream clone.

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.

If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.

Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com, homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

I drink wine like beer, only twice as much less.

A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.

I didn’t do a 180-degree turn on my thinking. I simply swiveled my chair around so I could dismiss the idea from the other side.

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

meatloaf” you’ll be serving them.

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.

I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

Agatha had a face like an avocado, and a voice like guacamole. I know because I eat lime scented (and flavored) tortilla chips all the time (except at 4:44).

If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.

Jacksonville has four seasons: winter, spring, summer, and football.

Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

I’m wearing my End of the Dance Underwear. They’re soggy. It seems these days everything is saturated with my love for you.

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let...

From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.