I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of the universe.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

Which is more valuable into showing how I think: the order I think of things, or the order in which I arrange them once I’ve thought of them?

Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and I think it’d be good to bring them back together.

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve up the public as dinner to the wolves.

A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory.

A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey.

Love is two souls occupying one bed. Though not a bunk bed.

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.

I am a log, and last night I slept like a person.

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

I was an at-risk youth. I was in danger of becoming an adult.

I have 26 silly faces, each represents a different letter of the alphabet. So while you think I am grimacing over what you are talking about, I am really spelling out I love you.

I wasn’t very far away from figuring out the secret to love, no more than two miles or so, when my camel broke down and I got shot at by a pack of cigarettes.

Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard.

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

If I started yesterday, I’d be a master of tomorrow.

Noon yellow is needed to combat my inner albino. But I prefer spreading my shadow thin like mayonnaise. Ours is a nighttime love.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln.

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been murdered, and their bodies smartly disposed of?

My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?

I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

A Dragon Rose is a flying flower that breathes fire. A relationship isn’t truly a romance if there isn’t a tiny element of danger involved.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.