A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.

A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.

A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular...

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never...

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

When I’m not eating, sleeping, working, or doing a hundred other things, I’m making love. I need to arrange my priorities. Sleeping should be first.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.

I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.

There’s a hair in my food! Well, I did order all the cuddles I can eat. A buffet of sleep is how I describe my love to strangers on trains.

You don’t love me!” Agatha shouted. When she said that, I said I couldn’t agree more. Of course I completely disagreed with her, and that is why I simply could not agree more. It took...

Love is timeless, but man is not. I think I’m early.” It’s true. I was a premature baby. I was born generations before my time.

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you have somebody they just HAVE to meet.

I set up a meeting with Tom Morrow and Yes Terday, and I’m afraid I’ll be both a day late and a day early.

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.

Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.