Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the...

If instead of horns, unicorns had dildos on their heads, I’ll bet more politicians would try to find them.

My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.

I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and...

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

Licorice stops erections at the source—the crotch. It also helps against certain poisons, like love.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.

I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.

Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.

There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I...

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.

A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got...

Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large cup?

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.

Shit a brick.”

A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.

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