Does that make today the last day, or at midnight tonight will the world just skip over to the day after tomorrow? But wouldn’t that still make it tomorrow?

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball....

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

I mopped up my moped off the street, and drove home on the unicycle below my handlebar mustache, while I thought about the path love might take now.

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

Instead of rolling out the red carpet, what about a cherry Fruit Roll-Up? Sometimes celebrity is a path you have to eat in retreat.

Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Welcome to Pantsland. Have a seat. Empty your pockets of masturbation and throw away your love of self-love.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

Money is seen as a great evil. But I’ve never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her out to coffee, but she hinted there wasn’t a watch big enough to...

I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.

I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.

I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life,...

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

Half is 15%, if 30% is 100%.

It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.

I had a dream about you. I was a mannequin with a record player for a head, and you were an aspiring DJ. You lusted after me and I was appreciative, because you were the...

I have salmon slippers. I just hope the bears don’t try to eat my feet. Not that it matters, since the empty turtle shell stole all my love.

I left my money somewhere, probably in your wallet. Let me check.

One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, “I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle.” Without looking at me he said, “You can capture rain in a...

Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into my drink before chugging, would I absorb those positive attributes faster?

The speaker was so boring that he put me to sleep. But he didn’t stop talking, so I had to wake up and tell him to keep his voice down, or stop talking altogether, while...

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a...

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.