I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.

I had a dream about you. I was selling dreams and you were selling sleep. We decided to partner up, until I used some of your product and went for a sleepwalk and fell off...

Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I...

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.

A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got...

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large cup?

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.

My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.

Shit a brick.”

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.