All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great...

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they’re writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.

I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time.

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but...

Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you with the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award. Keep up the great...

I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking?

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However, words can describe the other four senses, making writing four times more potent...

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

All Quiet on the Western Front.

I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

boo” in book.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

I had a dream about you. You wore a cowboy boot, and I wore a better fitting hat. You were in a white dress, like a wedding dress, only weddinger. I was wearing a twisted...

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

I cry when I think of all the tissues I’ve used over the years and all the trees I’ve killed. The more tears I cry, the more trees I kill, which causes me to cry...

The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority...

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

Everything I know about love, my cat taught me. It put its paw on my head and transferred all knowledge to me.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling.

Ahhhhh!

There’s a hair in my food! Well, I did order all the cuddles I can eat. A buffet of sleep is how I describe my love to strangers on trains.

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then I’ll gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

My love is forever, like eternity, only not.

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

Mark Twain’s Mustache—the World’s Greatest Facial Hair. Or Certainly Top Three, and No Lower Than Number Four.

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.

What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What it does is makes you wonder: What does it do?

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.