He looked at me, and then looked away quickly.But I could tell he was interested.I think my tight t-shirt might have had something to do with it. And the way I was pushing my breasts...

I think men think about their penises as much as women think about molestation.

For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

He unbuckled his beltand pulled off his blue jeans and boxers. I guess I had forgotten hisactual size and I blushed at the sight of him. This was gonna hurt.

My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.

The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris’ karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren’t making love in it.

It’s time to make love, douse the glim; The fireflies twinkle and dim; The stars lean together Like birds of a feather, And the loin lies down with the limb.

What are you thinking, Bliss?”I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

Sex and a cocktail: they both lasted about as long, had the same effect, and amounted to about the same thing.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

Let me sing the beauty of my Maggie. Legs:–the knees attached to the thighs, knees shiny, thighs like milk. Arms:–the levers of my content, the serpents of my joy. Back:–the sight of that in a...

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math, that’s roughly four minutes. And I do mean rough.

We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s...

I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.

A tennis racket is a trampoline for a tennis ball. My favorite score is love-all, because that’s the right thing to do as a Christian and an Overpopulationist.

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.

Where are you going?””To get my Bible.””Right now? You can’t get your Bible out right now! I’m, I’m, we’re just about to…”She’d never be able to go through with this if he got out his...

You can’t make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape.

I wasn’t going to have dessert, but it was right there, all gooey and sweet. It’s like sex. I mean, when it’s right there, what are you supposed to do? I wasn’t going to have...

Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are… Sex is something I just don’t understand. I swear to God.

In the city of flesh I travel without maps, a worried tourist: and Ottilie was a very Venice. I stumbled lost in the blue shade of her pavements. Here was a dreamy stillness, a swaying,...

Holding hands in love is underrated, while sex is overrated. Don’t you think so?

The boss is never your friend, even if you’re sleeping with him.

If parents don’t instruct their kids on the narrow boundaries of respectful behavior toward the opposite sex, their kids won’t learn it anywhere else.

I ripped all her clothes off. She twisted and turned, slow, so they would slip out from under her. Then she closed her eyes and lay back on the pillow. Her hair was falling over...

The feelings in love and the orgasm in sex are the supernatural powers inside every one of us.

The Swedish situation is that they banned sex for sale, which we don’t think is feasible. It drives it underground, and when it’s driven underground, criminality, the trafficking of women, and drugs are under much...

And there’s no sex, hardly any love stuff at all, in Middle Earth, which always made me think, yes, the world would be better off without it.

What was in it for me? I wasn’t asking for any sort of reciprocation, after all. Why didn’t she want her erogenous zones stimulated? I have no idea. All I know is that you could,...

Zoe gave him a look that was difficult to interpret. Eventually she asked, “What makes you sure I couldn’t handle you?”She didn’t know what she was asking for, from a man who couldn’t remember what...

He who will be just, must be forc’d to acknowledge, that neither Sex are always in the right.

In the middle of the night, he woke up and realized to his surprise that he had been having one erotic dream after the other. The only one he could recall with any clarity was...

I have an idea that the phrase ‘weaker sex’ was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

I don’t know. But if it so happens that I’m more of your type . . . Would you like me to give you a blow job? That really does the trick when you’re feeling...

is it a big ass firm or a big firm ass?

If the immutable character of sex is contested, perhaps this construct called ‘sex’ is as culturally constructed as gender; indeed, perhaps it was always already gender, with the consequence that the distinction between sex and...

How do you possibly manage to turn talk of an angel into something perverted?

Don’t run around looking for someone who can sexually satisfy you, run around and look for the book which will intellectually satisfy you.

Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did.

There were a WHOLE LOTTA us not having sex at Harvard . . . but none of us thought that that was special enough to start a club about it, for pete’s sake.

We’ve fallen down on our responsibility to our children by somehow creating this world where they’re surrounded by images of sexuality; and yet, we as adults struggle to talk to kids honestly about sex, the...

The Church, though, has always held up a mirror in which society can see reflected some of its uglier aspects, and it does not like what it sees. Thus it becomes angry but not, as...

This was another of our fears: that Life wouldn’t turn out to be like Literature. Look at our parents–were they the stuff of Literature? At best, they might aspire to the condition of onlookers and...