You’re alright, I guess; for, you’re just being you, like any other cuckoo.

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

Displacement of ‘What goes around, comes around’ is Zero.

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?Just the ones that I’ve highlighted.I count at least a dozen, and I haven’t gotten out of the first paragraph.That’s as far as I got, too. I’m...

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

According as the man is, so must you humour him.

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

Sharks don’t eat seafood because they like it, but because chicken can’t swim.

Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.

What a dick!” some might say!But don’t you worry my little sheep,I am not sad and will not weep,For Caleb Jones is a cheat!He two-timed me with some ho,Whose name is Kacey ‘Slut’ Munroe!But I...

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Armour… is part of a state of mind… in which you admit the possibility… of being hit.

Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic.

It’s Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back.

Would you like some sacred chocolate?’ a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara’s side. ‘They’ve very special chocolates,’ she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara’s direction. ‘They’re raw and sweetened with Stevia.’Stevia,...

Who gave you a gun?”The army.”Why?”That’s what the army does, Simon.

Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

Nature” doesn’t really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor’s pool...

Finnick?” I say, “Maybe some pants?”He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. “Why? Do...

“Whatever happened to the dragon?” I mustered my primmest tone. “He has a name, you know.”Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look. “I didn’t know, actually. What’d you decide on?” “Hopper.” When Adrian...

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

What the hell am I doing…? Escape holding myself as a hostage…? I won’t be able to make it like that…

If a gal reaches half an hour before for a date and then calls you saying that she is waitingDude! Marry her! What you’re thinking?

Costin regained his serious tone but his eyes softened.”I won’t force you into anything Sally. I know this is all different to you. I’ve known all my life that I had one perfect mate out...

Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek.

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

Space is infinite. To the mind that means freedom, liberation.’ So wrote Arisko, our greatest turkle philosopher, in his most famous work, ‘Thoughts In A Bathtub’,” said Dottia, dreamily, in an inspired state.

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of...

Next door to the Bensons is Emmet Frag, a retired pacemaker who is credited with inventing the notion of happiness. He’s currently working on a method for categorising ducks based on their singing voice. He’s...

I am not sleeping with you.””We could probably manage it, though. Without getting too involved.””No,” she said.”But why? I mean, if we’re trusted friends? And it doesn’t interfere with our responsibilities?””Did that line ever actually...

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

Oh! And they read English novels! David! Did you ever look into an English novel? Well, do not trouble yourself. It is nothing but a lot of nonsense about girls with fanciful names getting married.

He jokingly thought that this guy fancied himself some kind of Jedi knight, waiting for him to say, ‘these are not the droids you’re looking for.

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavors.

It is cocaine,” he said, “a seven-per-cent solution. Would youcare to try it?””No, indeed,” I answered brusquely. “My constitution has not gotover the Afghan campaign yet. I cannot afford to throw any extrastrain upon it.”He...

Join the club. We meet Tuesdays. We never share the location with each other, and we show up armed.

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!

A firm’s income statement may be, likened to a bikini-what it reveals is interesting but what it conceals is vital.

Sophie did this?” He said, not for the first time. They were standing at the foot of Jessamine’s bed. She lay flung upon it, her chest rising and falling slowly like the famous Sleeping Beauty...

Bottled, was he?” Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman’s sympathy for alcoholic excess. “Oh, well, can’t judge a fellow by what he does when he’s drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put...

Most of the people I worked with in my old job were pretty cool. We used to go out drinking after lights out and the less pleasant members of staff would be the topic of...

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

The Brit’s face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It’s a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat’s been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a...

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

What I Found in My DeskA ripe peach with an ugly bruise,a pair of stinky tennis shoes,a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,a swimsuit that I left to dry,a pencil that glows in the dark,some bubble gum...

Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that’s as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.