Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

My dear, I don’t care what they do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

Oh, those hateful sods will never make it to Heaven. They’re all on an express elevator to the gay spit-roast dungeon in Hell. Within five minutes of kicking the bucket, they’ll have demon balls swollen...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to remember, in one of his works, which for the time being has slipped my mind,...

I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

Walk tall but don’t bang your head on low hanging branches.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Murder is only killing in the wrong place.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

He should probably make love to her.

Let me get this straight. The future of our relationship hinged on advice from a fifteen-year-old girl, a probably untrue story from a one-eyed Chihuahua trainer, and me unromantically – yet skillfully – kissing you...

Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

Are you following me?” He asked.”Us?” I was the first to speak. “Um, maybe. Hi there. How are you tonight?”He looked at me like I might be a bit crazy.

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven’t the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly...

Chic rarely bothers to leave the Rue De Faubourg Saint-Honore.

Something…normal,” he finally said.

my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me “smoking can cause fatal lung cancer”.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right.

Sometimes you don’t even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double.

Give me a fucking pre-med you fuckers, I’m a personal friend of Sir Lancelot Spratt.

The man behind the check-in counter gives the impression that he has just axe-murdered the motel’s owner (and family, and family pet) and is going through these procedures of hostelry so as not to arouse...

“Surely you have considered terrorist activity?”There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere,...

The official recruiting process for their posse began. Because Carlos, Narc, and Trevor each had high SQs, Heeb and Evan reasoned that adding the three to their group would raise the average SQ of each...

Someone will complete you some day and that day will never be late. Those nouns and verbs are above wonderful and never ending .

Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is....

My greatest strength is an unfocused mind. This is because while you are all thinking of one idea, I’m thinking of five different ideas. My greatest weakness however is an unfocused mind. This is because...

I remembered that Beethoven’s symphonies had sometimes been given names… they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

Question everything, unless it’s the answer

There’s only one person to blame for lack of self confidence

Weather is a purely personal matter. There is no such thing as a climate that is cold or hot, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. People take it upon themselves to create a fantasy in...

Later in the week Mr Knox’s Annie bicycled over to see Stoker and ask her to waive the lien which she had on her sister’s services, as they would be required for the weekend.’She’s having...

Baumauer wants a life in which he cannot be belittled, judged or controlled by worse men.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, “You can do this. You’ve got what it takes.” The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

This shows you that even mistakes are sometimes valuable, so do not be hard on grown-up people if they are wrong sometimes.

Weak and trembling from passion, Major Flint found that after a few tottering steps in the direction of Tilling he would be totally unable to get there unless fortified by some strong stimulant, and turned...

One word came to mind: pee-yew. Evan tried to place the odor; it wasn’t a heap of decayed garbage or that of a spoiled fish. Truth be told, he smelled like rotten cheese.

It doesn’t matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn’t cry.

Edward, Edward,” he said with a patronising smile, “there are no unanswered questions of any relevance. Every question that we need to ask has been answered fully. If you can’t find the correct answer then...

We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.

Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t

Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.

Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else’s attachment and it wasn’t fair.

philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.