Darling love… you are.

If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an ignorant fool; in you it is a sign of the disarming simplicity which is the...

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

You know, my poor grandmother once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Life has taught me that it’s actually a few inches lower.

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o’er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don’t know why I...

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with...

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

His desire for this to be a joke was quickly replaced by a desire for whiskey.

Tell me what you do with the food you eat, and I’ll tell you who you are. Some turn their food into fat and manure, some into work and good humor, and others, I’m told,...

Merry Christmas!

Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do something.

The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and...

—,Cómo se llama?—,Yo?, Manuel González, ,por qué? —preguntó receloso.—No, usted no, el anciano que debo buscar.

I can’t help suspecting, that there is, or may be some regurgitation from the bath into the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a felicate beveridge is quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with...

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of...

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

You will suffer, son of Hades!’ What else is new? Nico thought.

If you think fate is fickle, try tempting it

Then she laughed for real, and put her hands around my neck. ‘I am never, ever going to make things easy for you Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.’ When she kissed me, I had...

Never follow the crowd….Until and unless you’re crossing the road…

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

Throwing blondes at Locke Lamora was not unlike throwing lettuce at sharks.

But with each step she took, Mythili realized why most people don’t go shopping alone. It’s because this mind of ours gets pretty damn busy. It starts analyzing every little stimulus you receive. And because...

You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.’She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.IT’S EDUCATIONAL.’What if she cuts herself?’THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

Wow,” a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening.

Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don’t think you can beat my vibrator.

Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.

I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none.

This was fast becoming messy war with our hall now covered in foam and a puddle of green slime…

Try jogging when following your heart, it’s healthier

Christmas comes but once a year, starts in August ends in July

We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can’t even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You’re about a hundred and I’m a...

When he didn’t answer, she didn’t know if it was because he couldn’t or if he was back to not talking to her. Back to pushing her out of his life.Men! Why was it that...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

There is much to discover that’s not on the back cover!

On the doorstep Adele met Tony Limpsfield. She hurried him into her motor, and told the chauffeur not to drive on.”News!” she said. “Lucia’s going to have a lover.””No!” said Tony in the Riseholme manner”But...

Knock yourself out… Or rather, don’t.

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she’d fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew...

No,” he said, “look, it’s very, very simple … all I want … is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen.” And he sat. He told...

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag?

He continued to attack the gate. His arm started to ache. The hammer was designed for neither brute nor force. “Are you all right up there?” asked Eleanor. “Want me to go see if I...

You forgot something important!-What?-It’s under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!