I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

Hef ég drepið mann eða hef ég ekki drepið mann? Hver hefur drepið mann og hver hefur ekki drepið mann? Hvenær drepur maður mann og hvenær drepur maður ekki mann? Fari í helvíti sem ég...

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit...

Which college?”Hmm?”Which college do you go to?’Fletcher nodded. ‘Yes.”I’m sorry?”Oh,’ Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie’s parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Don’t ask me who’s influenced me. A lion is made up of all the lambs he’s digested, and I’ve been reading all my life.

I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience, as I’m sure you can imagine.

I was going to write that all your clothes fall off, but figured you may have a problem with that. This was the second thing that came to mind.”(Karl and Elena)

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

It’s supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button.

I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

But even if they could go home it would be difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears’, for...

Well,’said Ernest, ‘by some strange coincidence I know this story.’Boddichek was not good at irony. ‘I knew that there was that possibility,’ he said, ‘but we have a great new way to treat it, and...

Le pays est devenue un territoire où les mathématiques ressemblent un jeu d’enfants: les actifs additionnent et les retraités soustraient.

Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the real world or fictional,” I insisted. “Crushes are the best part of liking someone, and they are completely safe. You get all the benefits of fantasising about someone, but...

C’est pas assez que tous tu dis c’est de la merde, François? Tu veux coucher dans la merde, aussi?

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I’m no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana’s virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a...

Drafting is like painting the Golden Gate Bridge.The closer you get to the end, the more you start to worry about the beginning.

Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, “Would you like to see my plate?

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

You know what would be awesome? . . . If I could have a machete.

But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

It’s a long story. Want a refill?””No, let’s start the steak. Where’s the button?””Right here.””Well, push it.””Me? You offered to cook.””Ben Caxton, I will lie here and starve before I will get up to push...

We live in different times. I would not have described London as a city of gun-toters but that was when Londoners still said sorry when you knock them over and called cappuccinos fluffy coffees &...

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who...

I think Amy Winehouse’s decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, “Ooh, look! A tunnel!...

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had...

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and she said, “Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder,” and her five year...

Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

The Brigadier had no wish to shake hands with the improbable young man in the ridiculous frock-coat.

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

…our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John’s handbag.

You think I can’t get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.

Hating Britain is a fundamental part of being British

Cheese!” I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

Sometimes being given the elbow can turn out to be the best hand.

D’you think he would have thought ahead like that?” said Henry. “Assuredly,” said Will. “The man’s a strategist.” He tapped his temple. “Like me.