My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone,” Reverend Jones said. “Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen...

Some people wake up fast. Some people wake up slow. I wake up dead.

People are all exactly alike. There’s no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we’d be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian...

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Hals und Beinbruch, Saukerl.

I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.

His relationship with illness was flirtatious; only a particularly attractive ailment could tempt him into bed.

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.

I ache to swim again. Walking’s for mammals.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another’s dreams

Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t...

I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

… a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

Anyone who says “Trust me” is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn’t get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants.””Dang it!” Frank Barked, which...

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.

He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the...

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Where is Polonius?- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i’ the other place yourself.

Boss, she’s a _Dragon_. They don’t _believe_ in assassination. They consider it a _crime_. If you go up to her and–“”Kragar,” I interrupted, “I never said that I was going to go up to her...

Hard,” she replied.

In the murk ahead of them a pair of blazing torches indicated the entrance to the forum, with a pair of sentries standing guard in front of the high archway. Before the tribune had any...

He was a philosopher, if you know what that was.’‘A man who dreams of fewer things than there are in heaven and earth,’ said the Savage promptly.‘Quite so…

I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

When you reach the middle of your career ladder, turn it the other way around and slide down to the top

I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!

We shouldn’t judge people. But there’s a difference between judging and observing. And sometimes as we observe, our eyebrows become raised. Observation with an attitude, that’s what I like to call it.

A black-haired bitch with man’s hands, widow Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch makes all the important decisions. She is a power-hungry dominatrix. Orwell is her slave. (No one ever sees him.)

One group of riders doped, the others alongside them racing clean. You can work out for yourselves which group was fastest.

While she could hardly fathom what had just happened to her that night, she reached some conclusions before she fell asleep, certain things now made perfect sense; Moon River didn’t sound so syrupy, mistletoe wasn’t...

Miss Mapp moved towards the screen.”What a delicious big screen,” she said.”Yes, but don’t go behind it, Mapp,” said Irene, “or you’ll see my model undressing.”Miss Mapp retreated from it precipitately, as from a wasp’s...

It was as though applied mathematics was my spouse, and pure mathematics was my secret lover.

All that evening he talked to the Candle of Arras, in a low confidential tone. When you get down to it, he thought, there’s not much difference between politics and sex; it’s all aboutpower. He...

Above everything else I’ve done, I’ve always said I’ve had more guts than I’ve got talent.

If wishes were horses, I’d need a very big stable.

Why, thank you cariño,” he said.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he’d printed. He said “I’ll just print another ten.

Please sell $10,000 worth of stock — we have decided to lead a mad and extravagant life.

Clouds are high flying Fog

I’ll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.-Captain Tagon

Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

Wer nicht liebt Wein, Weib, und Gesang,Der bleibt ein Narr sein Lebenlang(He who loves not Wine, Women and SongRemains a fool his whole life long)