Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant…Assistant: Charmed, I’m sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the...

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?” said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him.”Yeah, reckon so,” said Harry casually.”Got plenty of special features, hasn’t...

I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.

God does not play dice, bankers do.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever...

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age … pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don’t want to be who they are...

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

There was something strangely compelling about a Japanese guy with lamb-chop sideburns and a voice so shrill you could be forgiven for thinking his testicles were wired to the national grid.

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially...

Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk or something?” Minho asked, pulling Thomas’s attention away from Alby.”Go ahead,” Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. “Be careful,” he said dryly. “Don’t die.

You’ll be alright,” I say, “Mum likes you.

Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade.”You got someone better coming over?” Wade asked him.”Pizza,” Tag said.

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.-Captain Tagon & Ennesby

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better taught than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic feats that are generally impossible and always useless. This is the sort of instruction...

A man is known by the company of the phone he keeps.

I don’t like good habits. They strike me as being so easily broken.

when you step on fire no matter how far you ran your feet will still burn

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

The wind was against them now, and Piglet’s ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre...

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them?

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

I’m not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she’s knitting in an easy chair. I’m just a book girl. So I can’t make a deduction, only take a...

Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It’s time for Santa to get serious.

Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is traveling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked ‘Progress.

America takes her writers too seriously.

Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

Maybe.

Formerly these harsh cells in which the discipline of the prison leaves the condemned to himself were composed of four stone walls, a ceiling of stone, a pavement of tiles, a camp bed, a grated...

Rockabye Baby, in the treetopDont you know a treetopis no safe place to rock?And who put you up there,and your cradle too?Baby,I think someone down herehas got it in for you!

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnificence, and dreamest that command or riches can feed the appetite of novelty with perpetual gratifications, survey the Pyramids, and confess...

I was emotionally erect.

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.

Morning, noon & bloody night,Seven sodding days a week,I slave at filthy WORK, that mightBe done by any book-drunk freak.This goes on until I kick the bucket.FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael’s house when they’re all gone. I’m out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne

Stone me, what a life!

Actually, we have a lot of traditions for that. You’ll find out

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract…– Rhett

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort...

AAaargwannawannaaaagongongonaargggaaaaBLOON!” which is the traditional sound of a very small child learning that with balloons, as with life itself, it is important to know when not to let go of the string. The whole point...

I fended them off as best I could while trying to shield my eyes but, tragically, I’d left my flamethrower in my other suit.

…Recognising, as I do, that you are the second highest expert in Europe–“”Indeed, sir! May I inquire who has the honour to be the first?” Asked Holmes, with some asperity.”To the man of precised, scientific...

I don’t believe in ghosts but they blindly believe in me

Someone once told me that we move when it becomes less painful than staying where we are”.

Smile and make someone’s day better

It’s never too late to change, unless you’re already fully undressed