Mrs Guinea answered my letter and invited me to lunch at her home. That was where I saw my first finger-bowl.The water had a few cherry blossoms floating in it, and I thought it must...

Take it!” he snarled, hurling the diamond necklace across the table at his opponent. “And may you rot in hell with it!””I should not dream of intruding upon you there,” replied Mr Brundy, bowing deeply...

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

But in every church there are people who, for reasons which seem sufficient to them, do not approve of their pastor and seek to harry him and bully him into some condition pleasing to themselves....

In his essay,Agastya had said that his real ambition was to be a domesticated male stray dog because they lived the best life.They were assured of food,and because they were stray they didn’t have to...

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful...

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

I knew that I was talented. I was positive about that. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was talented at, but I was ambitious enough to wait it out and see what turned up.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

La culture, c’est comme la confiture, moins on en a, plus on l’étale.

D’yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!”Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly,...

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

We should silence anyone who opposes the right to freedom of speech.

Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid I’ll never get a chance to live!

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.[points to self]

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

In real life, Snow White stays dead and Rapunzel grows old, alone in her tower. In real life, you gotta have enough sense to stay away from ugly bitches offering you shiny apples and have...

I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came...

The subject of money was not mentioned again at the time, but when Miss Todd began going to Mrs Morland as secretary, she insisted on having an account from Dr Ford, much to his annoyance....

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

Just because you disagreed with the Poll Tax and detested Margaret Thatcher—””Detest is a little inappropriate,” Parlabane said. “Maybe closer to say I spent the entire Eighties wishing I was pissing on her rotting corpse.

You can’t judge a book by its cover,” he said. “No,” said Watts. “But you can tell how much it’s gonna cost!

There is a point in the future where even the worst disaster starts to settle into an anecdote.

The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I’ll get tea before you.

Fish fiddle de-dee!

Mark Spitz didn’t ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last Night story. You knew the answer. The plague had a knack for narrative closure.

Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they’d leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a...

Of course I want to kill you,” said Skulduggery. “I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.

What?” she asked again.He pointed ahead of them. “See that?””What, the snow?””Beyond that.””More snow?””Stop looking at the snow.

If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them… Most importantly, “you should be able to laugh on yourself”.

A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.’ – Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani’s Dead Man’s Spots

When a man plans, a woman laughs.

The difference between doing something and not doing something is doing something.

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo’s gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she’d told him her version yet. She had balls of steel,...

She didn’t want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. […] She reached down […] and chose a Galaxy bar […] “I’m going home.” “You didn’t pay for that,” Francois shouted after her. “Fuck...

Kevyn, I’m promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don’t know. Call it “suspicion of extreme competence” on my part.-Captain Tagon...

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

Sharks don’t eat seafood because they like it, but because chicken can’t swim.

Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.

What a dick!” some might say!But don’t you worry my little sheep,I am not sad and will not weep,For Caleb Jones is a cheat!He two-timed me with some ho,Whose name is Kacey ‘Slut’ Munroe!But I...

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Armour… is part of a state of mind… in which you admit the possibility… of being hit.

Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic.

It’s Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back.

Would you like some sacred chocolate?’ a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara’s side. ‘They’ve very special chocolates,’ she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara’s direction. ‘They’re raw and sweetened with Stevia.’Stevia,...

Who gave you a gun?”The army.”Why?”That’s what the army does, Simon.