The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

The emperor is naked!”The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:”No, he isn’t. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!

No! Wait! I’ve got a better idea…””Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.””And your point is…””Let’s broaden the definition of ‘necessary’.”-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

The earliest intelligence of the travellers’ safe arrival at Antigua, after a favourable voyage, was received; though not before Mrs. Norris had been indulging in very dreadful fears, and trying to make Edmund participate them...

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

I don’t have my whip and chair with me.

No. See, when you throw up you’re vomiting, but when you throw down you’re starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet.””Ohhhh,” he said. “I thought you were speaking literally.””I do beg your pardon....

…food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.

But the loneliness was still on Danny and demanded an outlet.’Here we sit,’ he began at last.’ – broken-hearted,’ Pilon added rhythmically.’No, this is not a poem,’ Danny said. ‘Here we sit, homeless. We gave...

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Sorry, no professionals.

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach” Ryan says before we can be introduced. “I’m a big fan of your work” he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I...

I’m very much afraid I didn’t mean anything but nonsense.

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

I am who I am and that’s who I am

we live in a world where singles are more sexual active than couples

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

I like bread, and I like butter – but I like bread with butter best.

I didn’t cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

I suspect I am a hooligan.

For any given problem, if there’s a simple solution it will already have been applied. So, perhaps, the solution isn’t as simple as you think.

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people

I suppose you’re young,’ she conceded, managing once again to make youth sound like impetigo

Men,” she said rueful, “are the most absurd creatures on this green earth.” “But there are camels,” Gabriel pointed out. “Believe me,” she answered. “I’ve taken camels into consideration.

When I was your age, television was called books.

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could...

To be honest, my life has exhibited many strange and sometimes troubling characteristics, but shortness is not one of them. It feels like an eternity since I started school and a techno-social epoch since I...

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.

I don’t mean to mock the gods, but Freyja seems to me a bitch.- Hjalti Skjeggjason

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent.” Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. “You should have resisted. That’s like blaming someone who was...

Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it...

Younger wizards in particular went about saying that is was time magic started to update its image and that they should all stop mucking about with bits of wax and bone and put the whole...

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

I need some space.””Because of my past?””No, because of mine. When I’m around you I feel like I’m falling. I need to stop before I smash into the ground.””Are you always so honest?””No. Mostly I’m...

I don’t need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!

It’s not up for discussion anymore. Just eat your ice cream. And don’t spill any on Brady.

When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon’s downpour would have made the slate tiles so...

The iron has entered my soul,’ announced George Knox impressively. ‘Let me tell you, my dear Laura, that when I lay here weak and ill, unable to raise a hand in my own defence, I...

Pissec approaches Pamela Geiger’s cubicle, itching in rhythm with her. He wants to ask her a question while Kalist is out of earshot. She’s not a grass, he’s sure, but stupid people die first.

Opposite Pissec sits ghoulish Gottfried Baumauer, a tall, skinny workaholic with dark-ringed eye sockets and long, yellowing smoker’s fingers. He’s thirty-eight. He doesn’t say much. He drinks a lot of tea – likes it strong...

This is 1987. A girl can be whatever she wants to be.” “I know,” said Ray. “My mums a plumber.

The homeland might be lacking snakes, but it held its share of venom.

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets…. you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Another one of your quippy japes?