A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA’s website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA...

You can think about gloves. You can think about snuvs. You can think a long time about snuvs and their gloves.

Society is composed of two great classes– those who have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may “think” there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up...

I had found by experience that putting things down on paper helped to clear the mind in precisely the same way, as Mrs. Mullet had taught me, that an eggshell clarifies the consommé or the...

Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.

Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on myscrotum.” I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to thefour bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh ofdiscontent, I...

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

Are you her boyfriend?”…No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

The picture is grainy. But that’s to be expected when photographing bread.

There is my first insight, young woman. Always downplay the value of money; it will make it much easier for him to hand it over.

Let’s see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

Dude—why the fuck are you talking like that?” Not good.

In great detail.

He seemed only … annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. “Yeah, well,” he said, “the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn’t really exist, leave...

Friendship can be developed by building halls one-person wide and having people go through two at a time.

messiah” from his mission. If the Ballister acquisition was Norm’s cross, as everyone seems to think it was, then it was Norm who chose to bear that cross. And pride that nailed him to it.

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

… Paris was a city of love for unimaginative folks.

I hate my life,” I said, and as I turned I conjured a ball of nightfire and threw it.

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.

I had a dream about you making balloon animals for kids. You were out of balloons and the kids were out of patience, so you inflated their imaginations instead.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.

No good deed goes unpunished – Oscar Wilde

I feel ill,” [Howl] announced. “I’m going to bed, where I may die.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and...

You’re only a man! You’ve not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

And for once, Donald Rumsfeld, in the news at the time over the Iraq war made sense to me: “As we know,” he said, famously, “there are known knowns-things we know we know. We also...

To answer your question as honestly as I can, I’ve wanted since I was very little to not have to worry about money. I’ve never been poverty-level poor (I mean, there’s been years where I’ve...

If the people we’re talking about are all my clones, then yes, I am a people person. I really do care. Ask me out or invite me in, and I’ll say yes—especially if you are...

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

Maruman does not loll.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

I’ll use your chicken burrito as a crayon. I’ll draw what love looks like, if you promise not to eat it.

This is a lot more satisfying,” he said, “when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity.”The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw,...

That was in the old days. Why shouldn’t they change with the times and be modern, too?

When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it....

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

What she needs,’ Tom said aloud ‘is a husband.’ Agnes said crisply, ‘Well, she can’t have mine.