I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly...

Lying flat against the tile of the kitchen floor listening to someone else have sex is essentially my early twenties in a nutshell.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

Diner: Do you serve crabs here?Waiter : We serve anyine; sit down.

Oatmeal Face, Jawless, and the other revenants dragged me out of the van by the zip tie between my hands. The sharp plastic bit painfully into my wrists.”All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said....

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other...

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother.

Ew, sicko. I was practicing Edomic.””Sure you were,” Jason said. “You’re just too embarrassed to admit you were playing hide-and-seek all alone. Rachel hiding, nobody seeking.

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, is there anything better? Only if literature were liquid and drinkable.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

You go Picasso!

It’s best to locate the mind first before launching the ‘missiles of contention’.

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

Entomologists use that word ‘foul’ often when referring to the flavor of a caterpillar. They are rarely more specific than ‘foul’ or ‘tasty.’ I expect that is because they are leaving the assessment up to...

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

What’s a feminist?” Julie asked.”Someone who thinks women are fish,” Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. “And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it...

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

To think that Icouldn’t manage it on purpose if I wanted!

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.” ” I never thought about it quite that way.” Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.””I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”Dimitri sighed.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

I’m going to talk to her.””And how’s that going to go? You’re just going to walk up to her and say, ‘Hey, I know you’ve never seen me before, but I’m your dad. Oh, and...

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

I’m going to become a beat poet and a lesbian!

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi’s...

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

I’m rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn’t really count…

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

You’re a very odd man,” said Bert.”I get that more often than you’d think,” replied Charles.

Good news is, we’re annoying him. Bad news is, we’re all going to die painfully.

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, ’cause you’re a major mythological figure…but now you’ve just gone nuts!

I was short staffed. But that’s what happens when all your employees are midgets. I make love like spicy rice.

It’s not reasonable to love people who are only going to die,” she said.Nash thought about that for a moment, stroking Small’s neck with great deliberation, as if the fate of the Dells depended on...

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.