Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!

This was a few weeks ago,” Annabeth said. “Percy told me a crazy story about meeting a boy our near Moriches Bay. Apparently this kid used hieroglyphs to cast spells. He helped Percy battle a...

If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!” Michael Keaton character in “Mr. Mom

I tried to step back quickly but James grabbed my hand. “C’mon,” he said “this’ll be fun.” Geez… What’s your definition of fun? Cuz mines not to possibly get killed my first day here. Or...

Pregnant women need dick too. And I’m here to sell it to them. I charge by the inch and by the hour.

I’m a born-again atheist.

You’d think getting chopped into a million pieces and cast into the darkest part of the Underworld would give him a subtle clue that nobody wanted him around.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work.

Loving Reading Hot Books w/ Hot Guys!!!#hotguys #goodbooks

You’re never too old to laugh at stories about love and sex.

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, “Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.

Beautiful people never lie.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...

I’m past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I’d win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

Remember, our kind protects you Normals from the Pures. We are the rope tied between man and super-beast. A rope forever dangling from the precipice. I tap Zetania’s shoulder and ask, “What’s a precipice?” “A...

Get your associates as fast as you can and then get a bachelors.””I don’t want that. I want to work in TV.””Trust me, Laura. You’d be happier if you were an accountant.

When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.

So much better for you to long for what you can never have, than to get it and have to face the reality of it. I assure you, when you realize the reality of this...

Well you won’t talk to him…and he’s feelingawfully lonely. And I think you hurt his feelings.” Then he made itbounce twice in agreement.Talaith covered her face and sighed. What exactly did hermother tell her the...

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

…It was like he waved his magic wang, and I totally forgot how I’m not a gullible teenager anymore.

I didn’t lose and let everybody else beat me so much as I made the race last. Last place means I had the most time to enjoy the experience.

I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.

You’ve always said I should have an inquiring mind,” she said. “I have. But not an interrupting one.

I never fail. It’s just that the people around me succeed more than I.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

It was also time to elect the president and VP of the OASIS User Council, but that was a no-brainer. Like most gunters, I voted to reelect Cory Doctorow and Wil Wheaton (again). There were...

Do not fall in love…..it means you have to look at someone else.

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, “Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water.” and I thought,...

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

I don’t believe I’ve ever ingested anything quite so ancient,” Gareth murmured.

If you Have ever Fainted, You Are a stranger in the land of the dead!

He didn’t have a single clue what was going on with these two strangers, but every instinct told him Master George equaled good, Mistress Jane equaled bald- he blinked-uh, bad.

Trust is not hoping your partner will love you; it is KNOWING that they DO.

Even though I was fairly certain God wasn’t Ted Bundy, I kept an open mind, since this phone call was getting a bit confusing.

My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I’m taking a quick shower. I’m gross. I need to be clean.” “You shouldn’t be doing that.” The door handle jingled. It wasn’t locked. “Alex!””I’m naked,” I warned. Silence and then, “Is that supposed to...

…all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we’d know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they’d never be...

is pronounced with an exclamation point at the end. Like this: ‘Huzzah! Suffragettes!

I’m seriously laughing