Italians speak in italics all the time.

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly...

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Eating Crow” This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil and a burden to the soul. They therefore, regardless of personal hazard, see...

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who’s been up too late.

I gaped at what I saw next. She yanked his arm off and ate it. Gross! I knew she was hungry, but that was just…well, against the school rules for one thing.

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

I told her I loved her, knowing she’d tell her I loved her and I wouldn’t have to tell her first face to face to see her reaction and feel rejection.

Brin tilted his head. ‘For a moment I thought you were a dirty little tramp like the rest of us, but then you go and ruin it. For future reference, stories about anonymous hookups in...

Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.

Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I’ll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed,...

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

people don’t get meit’s more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Except for briefings after lunch, CIA does not practice torture.

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do...

Escaping goblins to be caught by wolves!

They are friends because they are both beautiful specimens of maledom.””Beautiful specimens of maledom?””That’s right. And there are very few of those species in existence presently, so they need to stick together in order to...

There’s me,” said Tiffany.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker.

My friend says she’s smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.

Are there any sleeping jobs, because I have a lot of experience. Years and years, actually. And with on the job training, I can show up to work tired.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

Hatori: “SHIGURE… I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD…”Shigure: “Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!

BE QUIET!!…What do you want…? I was in the middle of saying something nice…

But you have read Madame Bovary?’ (I’d never heard of her books.) ‘No.

I make love like Siberia, only with less heat and more of an isolated feeling.

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!

Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

Do you know what they’re called? They’re the Shadows That Live, Zuze. They’re assassins.” “Like me,” said Zuzanna cheerfully.

If a boy doesn’t respect his mother…run!

Listen up, Mount High-Hair,” Gustav barked. “Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I’ve been through a lot of stuff with these people. Nobody can tell me that...

I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up.”What do I have to do?” he says.”Nothing,” I say. “They’re for you.””Are they poisoned?” he says.”No,” I say.”Eat one,” he says.So I...

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

This is the true story of my life, as told by a complete liar (me). While that sounds like an honest statement, it’s also a lie. I just can’t help myself. Unless I’m helping myself...

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

Ce n’étais pas moi!”What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboard...

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

The moon’s weird though, right? It’s there, and there, and then suddenly it’s not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it watching us? If not, what is it watching instead? Is there...

Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.

Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.