Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.

Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

I can count all the lovers I’ve had on one hand…if I’m holding a calculator.

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

Never more than once.

I’M SCOTTISH!

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

I’m on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

Selbst wenn der Kahn sinken sollte, ich würde Karsten nicht in den Fluten ersaufen lassen wie Rose, diese selbstsüchtige Schlampe, die noch mehr als genug Platz hatte auf ihrer Scheißtür, oder was auch immer das...

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…””Or we’ll die?” I guessed.”Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.””Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

I’m no expert, no natural-born talent, definitely no guru. As you’ll soon learn, only through a colossal experiment in trial and error did I reach the sexual summit. Although I own up to having worn...

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning;...

Fine!’ she snapped, the desperation to have him growing exponentially now. ‘I missed you. Only you. No man could ever make me feel like you do. I’m ruined for all others. I renamed all my...

You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

I was just teasing,” I say. “I myself don’t like to eat plain butter, but hey, it’s a free world.

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

Sorry.

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand so I don’t appear as if I want to start Roger Bannistering a...

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life...

The Sunshine State.

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. “Yeah, here’s a rare grocery...

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

You know, drinking milk doesn’t make your boobs get any bigger.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

I keep a list of our differences. The good news is there’s only one item. The bad news is that the one item reads: Everything.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during...