I had two cups of coffee, put Eric’s jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of...

Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don’t have any of that. There’s nothing between you and...

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone’s life is entropy. The...

Does it hurt now?” he asked, his tone rough and seductive.”No.” She shook her head again and sighed, trying to pretend his touch didn’t make her uncomfortably wet.He grinned. “So…what’s with the heavy breathing?

The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean – so Bunbury died.He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that...

It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.

God, come down, if you’re really there -Well, you’re the one who claims to care!

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

I had to kill and eat my pet chicken. It was dinner for one, because the night before I killed and ate my grandpa.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

Alec looked at her and shook his head. “How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?”Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.

You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” I denied it, of course. But then, anything – smashing up a new car, persuading Donald Rumsfeld to come to an Islington flat in the early hours of New...

Uri was turned, looking at him, shouting something, but at that point, Gabe couldn’t hear him. A moment later, Gabe felt like the car was spinning uncontrollably. The nausea overcame him and he seriously thought...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

My love is popular. It must be, because I never have any. Is it because I don’t produce any, or because I’m always sold out?

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

A double standard is a scandal. A single standard is an atrocity.

Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I went to the room in my brain where all my thoughts about Adam lived and disconnected the electricity and boarded up all the doors and windows,...

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

In the first place, Cranford is in possession of the Amazons; all the holders of houses above a certain rent are women. If a married couple come to settle in the town, somehow the gentleman...

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people’s sides all of her life.

If I were handicapped, I’d travel by horse. Well, that’s assuming my wheelchair would be stable on the horse’s back. I’d be a coffee addict and porn historian.

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. ‘Smartphones’ completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent...

I call the Change of Life “Orchids” because menopause is such an ugly word. It’s got men in it for goddsakes.

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with ‘I can’t believe...

I’ve created a monster, haven’t I?” said Merlin, staring at the animated figure incredulously.”I think that, technically, I was already a monster,” the dragon replied. “Now I am a monster with social networking skills. Or...

Twice,” added the voice under the table.

Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casiusoh i do,I’m just so pissed i had extra left over – Jace

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

Those items your woman is looking at are a gift from the goddess, you oaf!

Don’t ever trust men with good intentions. They’ll always disappoint you.”Leo

I don’t want unnecessary violence, sergeant,” said Blouse.”Right you are, sir!” said the sergeant. “Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin’, I want him nailed to the wall!” He caught the lieutenant’s eye, and...

I would rather save a few seconds than a few cents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m saving them in your sofa cushions.

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

New Rule: Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means...