I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.

Are you having a seizure or something?” she jested, displaying a rare vein of humor.Egnatious sent her a queasy glare.

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

I had a dream about you. We sold love like a couple of roadside lemonade-stand vendors. Your love was organic, and mine was made with yellow tennis balls.

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn’t with me.

You can spread jelly on the peanut butter but you can’t spread peanut butter on the jelly.

The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.

They want to suck your blood,” Rob says in a Romanian accent.Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won’t help them out of this mess.

The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.[Pippin, The Two Towers]

I finally figured out why Voldemort’s face is so flat. He ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, “Quit eating us,” and sharks are like, “Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

[The building] had been designed by an architect, so it bore little resemblance to any normal structure.

My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.

I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors...

I applied for the University of Life. Didn’t get the grades.

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

…God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn’t stopped since.

I had a dream about you. You had four legs like a cat has four legs like a chair has four legs, and I was looking for a place to sit. Then you meowed at...

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did.

Dream as if you’ll die tonight, and live as if you’ll sleep tomorrow. Let us make love sometime between the two.

It was almost romantic, in a mad-inventor sort of way.

Si immagini, dice quello della sicurezza, di andare a raccontare a una passeggera all’arrivo che il suo bagaglio è rimasto sulla East Coast per via di un dildo. E certe volte capita con i passeggeri...

It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.

It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people,...

That’s the scary thing about hope,” she said. “If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

If I got a new heart with a heart transplant, I’d be forever grateful. Or at least grateful for the next 50 years or so.

(…) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled...

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.

(Referring to the piano’s natural shape) Isn’t it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

I glance down his body. He’s still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez– talk about wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re still on his body, which is still in the trunk of my car.

No, little one, George’s ghost won’t come back. Human beings don’t have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.””How can you say that?” protested Mopple. “We don’t know whether humans have souls or not.””Every lamb knows...

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

I had a dream I was a samurai who invented the poncho, and I sold my ponchos to Mexico. The irony is… I invented them for women.

Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.

Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. “I’m not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage.” “Have you gone crazy? They’ll…” Eragon’s voice trailed off as he thought...

Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did...

You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.

Only one president in this book was a supervillain. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chester A. Arthur, the Lex Luthor of the American Presidency.

Does she realize she looks like a sunflower, ready to rain sunlight on all who look down upon her?

Laughter is the hand of God on the shoulder of a troubled world.

Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.””Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?””Poor grammar skills.