I make love like Siberia, only with less heat and more of an isolated feeling.

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

I’ll bet I could find some hurtful words in a pile of sticks and stones. Something like an insincere and deceptive “I love you.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

She made my heart melt, like butter. I loved her over a juicy corn on the cob.

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

Love is a feel-good feeling, like feeling a cat’s fur while my hair is on fire and my grandpa is reciting the pledge of allegiance while staring at my star-spangle-bannered boxers.

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

Like a pair of dead batteries, I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

She has nothing but love for me, and I have nothing but nothing for her.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...