A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

Caveat Emptor.”

I had a dream about you. Due to the underwater nature of our relationship, I kept referring to you as Mrs. Fishface. You probably thought I was being racist, because you were in fact a...

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.

maturity,” then every single woman I’ve dated has been at least twice my yage.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured in the fable is the six-ton snail, which represents the government. Not only...

When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it.

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.

I am the Zero Zoo. See the empty cage that is my heart. I’d like to imprison your love there.

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)

The difference between you and him and him and me isn’t different at all: we’re all different.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

I have sewn my own destruction, and it looks like a cat sweater. I knitted matching pants too, because that’s what lovers do. My feelings for you melted in the ice cream cone, and I’m...

There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury...

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.

Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the...

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.

I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for...

The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real...