I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?

I want to write a song about retaliation called, “Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm…While You Were Out of Town.

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

I have rose-colored glasses. The frames have thorns.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura began cleaning out his underwear drawer in 1982.

If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.

We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through our ears.

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise.

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

Her coming alone made me want to Mannequin all over myself, but I managed to contain myself like a microwave dinner. Sometimes love is frozen until you get off your sofa to take action.

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.

You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

We made love like two bricks in an earthquake. I never imagined myself to be a man of such fiery passion.

Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).

I’m not a firefighter—I’m a firefly fighter. My bravery may come in small flashes, but I am sure it doesn’t go unnoticed by lustful women and campers everywhere.

I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that’s what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I’ll bring the...

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

This women is all about the kiss—the kiss of death. But if her sinister lips offer the joy of heaven, followed by the torment of hell, then I’ll be the first to pucker up.

Get your head out of the clouds. Stop huffing the atmosphere.

You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a...

A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.

If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...