You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.

Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.

Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

I’d rather jump in a tank with a tiger shark than make love to his right hand. I don’t care if he is going around gathering political votes.

A sand trap is like a politician in its duality. It represents two opposing viewpoints. You see, it was designed to trap your ball. So it exists to have balls land in it. But it...

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!

Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

It’s a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

Batman’s cape would make a great canvas for a cave painting.

A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.

As a sculptor, I prefer busts. As a lover of women, I prefer busts. And as a football enthusiast, I prefer Robert Griffin III.

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I...

When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

No, we are building a joke.”

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.

My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don’t we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like,...

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.