A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Winter is nature’s way of sitting on the sofa and not doing a damn thing. When love grows cold, maybe it’s just impersonating January.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them on their fabulous name.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

After they broke up, Renaldo’s ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

My heart is spinning. Love is a tornado. Will you be my Kansas?

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

A fridge will keep your steaks fresh, but keeping a live cow in grandmother’s room will keep the meat fresher. Let this be a lesson in love.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.

I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am...

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

I’m an accountant of sorts. But I don’t count my money—I count your love for me. That’s all that really matters in this world.

No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

I trained for months to be a boxer. Not Mike Tyson style, but more like Fed Ex. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m not really a lover, but I am slightly more romantic...

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.