The Black-eyed Peasants.

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don’t like squeezing sponges. The only time I like...

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I put on my midnight-black blindfold. I’m just naturally romantic, I guess.

Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

Guacamole makes an excellent facial cream. It won’t reduce wrinkles, but I’d sure enjoy scraping it off your skin while you sleep, as I munch on nachos as quietly as I can.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I...

I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

Razorblades and Cyanide.” That should come as no surprise, as we have seven bridges from which to jump from.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

I don’t expect you to except me, but I do expect you to accept me.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people...

I don’t sit on material like a sofa. I also don’t sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

Welcome to Unwelcome.

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.