I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

transparent” administration.

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

A handshake is a balanced transaction, an even interaction based on agreement. A handshake is a physical representation of quid pro quo. But if Seth Goden is right, and we are now past this for...

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

Irish I were I wish, so being drunk all the time would be socially acceptable.

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

A brick could be used as a cock block.

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

Caveat Emptor.”

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

maturity,” then every single woman I’ve dated has been at least twice my yage.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

In the tortoise and the hair fable, I believe the tortoise represents big business, while the hair represents small business. Not featured in the fable is the six-ton snail, which represents the government. Not only...

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.

In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

The difference between you and him and him and me isn’t different at all: we’re all different.

There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.

There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the...

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.

I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is...

The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Granddaddy Cove, it’s where all the lost hugs are. I know where the treasure is buried, and I’ll take you there for a small finder’s fee.