Digression is the soul of wit. Take the philosophic asides away from Dante, Milton or Hamlet’s father’s ghost and what stays is dry bones.

Big words from a guy who’s trussed up like a turkey. What are you going to do, wobble over here like an upside- down turtle to snap me in half?””The logistics of breaking you are...

Foolish minds will entertain you, but confuse minds will irritate you.

Actually, she wasn’t a little girl at all, as it turns out, but a midget in a dress with a penchant for violence, who goes by the name of Six-Fingered Nigel.

Wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure.

To be knowledgeable, learn new things every day; to be wise, unlearn things that you learn with wit and love.

I’m very fond of experimental housekeeping.

I’m very lucky to have such a loving son.

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare,...

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

By my hand and for the good of the state; the bearer has done what has been done. Hmmmm ~~~ one should be careful what one writes for one never knows into whose hands it...

What is this powerful have over my tub? Surely, I am transfixed by your firecracker charm and your suspended electrified wit.

And here, I believe, the wit is generally misunderstood. In reality, it lies in desiring another to kiss your a– for having just before threatened to kick his; for I have observed very accurately, that...

If you’ve brains it’s better than beauty – brains last, beauty doesn’t.

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.

I am a master of foolhardy plans.

You can make a sordid thing sound like a brilliant drawing-room comedy. Probably a fear we have of facing up to the real issues. Could you say we were guilty of Noel Cowardice?

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.

You cannot negotiate art.

Two blind men waited at the end of an era, contemplating beauty.

[On Oscar Wilde:]”If, with the literate, I amImpelled to try an epigram,I never seek to take the credit;We all assume that Oscar said it.[Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty.

There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome.””And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.””And yours,” he replied...

For a poet he threw a very accurate milk bottle.

Well then that’s our date confirmed. I am excited! Most girls want to know if I have long term plans to start a family; you want to know if I like 80s rap. I think...

I no longer believe in love,” she said bitterly. “When people claim to have lost their heart, it’s usually only their wits that have vanished.

He felt that such a life in which one could display such sarcasm and wit was after all to a certain degree worth living.

Hyperbolic statements will be the death of us all

Erudition is the crude residue of wilted harvests; wit: the meddlesome weed that wilts them.

True Wit is Nature to advantage dress’dWhat oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d;Something whose truth convinced at sight we find,That gives us back the image of our mind.As shades more sweetly recommend the...

Soar with wit. Conquer with dignity. Handle with care.

Captain Billings,” he drawled finally, “if you will pardon my candor, I might remark that you are something of an ass, don’t you know.

As though she were asking me where some sort of unusual wine could be obtained, she inquired fretfully and worriedly: ‘Jack, have you any idea where I could find some presentable loose women?’ I had...

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

Cheap editions of great books may be delightful, but cheap editions of great men are absolutely detestable

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

… fantasy is not practice for what is real—fantasy is the opiate of women.

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

Expectation. That is the true soul of art. If you can give a man more than he expects, then he will laud you his entire life. If you can create an air of anticipation and...

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.

On ne peut pas tout avoir. Et puis d’abord où le mettrait-on?

Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,’ said Aunt Ruth, angrily.’Well, we’re cousins,’ agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly.

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

Everything can always be better! To know this is a wit! But if you also know that everything can always be worse and that is wisdom! Wisdom is to see both the lights and the...