preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one’s plot for world domination.

Eric, you need to look at the whole picture,” the PM said. “You look at the jobless as a huge pile of scrap and you’re looking for what can be recycled. That’s good. That’s your...

Presenting a rational argument to a person who has forsaken the use of reason is like asking a vegetarian to eat a cheeseburger.

Women, when they kill themselves, choose far more romantic methods – like slashing their wrists or taking an overdose of sleeping pills.Abandoned princesses and Hollywood actresses have provided numerous examples of this.

F***ing triffids.

She wore an A-line bridal gown with a V-shaped neckline while Apollo playing Bach’s Air on the G string.

Do you believe,” said Candide, “that men have always slaughtered each other as they do today, that they’ve always been liars, cheats, traitors, ingrates and thieves, weak, fickle, cowardly, envious, greedy, drunken, miserly, ambitious, bloodthirsty,...

The people heard it, and approved the doctrine, and immediately practiced the contrary.

He’d been given an assignment to write about teen beauty pageants […], which he’d accepted because he enjoyed blood sports as much as the next person.

The expected battle hadn’t taken place, yet something else had. Images of the entertainment which had just gone down were already coming back into Rat’s head. It had been wonderful to watch, unbelievably wonderful, the...

Are we looking at each other suspiciously when colour-blind cured.

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman’s feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge.

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

Da gibt es mal wieder eine große internationale Systemkrise’, sagt das Känguru kopfschüttelnd, ‘und dann kommt einer an – noch dazu ein Banker – und sagt: >Schuld haben nicht etwa die Politiker, die Banker, die...

Occasionally, the horrors of life in North Korea do show up in our American satire.

My pen shall heal, not hurt.

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics...

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of...

Poverty, hatred, war, police-criminals, bureaucracy, insanity, all symptoms of The Human Virus.

Marriage is the legal method devised to end love without pain.

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

Poetic justice, with her lifted scale,Where, in nice balance, truth with gold she weighs,And solid pudding against empty praise. Here she beholds the chaos dark and deep,Where nameless somethings in their causes sleep,Till genial Jacob,...

Luck ever attends the bold and constructive thinker: the apple, for instance, fell from the tree precisely when Newton’s mind was groping after the law of gravity, and as Diva stepped into her grocer’s to...

Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word ‘pen’ had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay...

Ode to Douglas AdamsIn the solar system we inhabit, we live on a small planet we all call Earth. Okay, when I say small, I mean it’s small compared to say, oh, Jupiter. Earth is...

…heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.

There is a sort of mental treasonThat smothers dreams outside of reason

When you are gunning to be like other people, you are foolishly repeating their mistakes, and the worst of it all is that you can’t even correct yours.

But when did this anger take root? When snakes first appeared on the national scene? When water in the bowels of the earth turned bitter? Or when he visited America and failed to land an...

staying focused.” Right! My pants are on fire, and she’s handing me a crash course in Psych 101!

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you’ll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where...

Everyday she loses a bit more of herself , every day another nail in her coffin house payments medical bills and middle aged isolation

Some men are born sodomites, some achieve sodomy, and some have sodomy thrust upon them…

He has a very nice face and style, really,” said Mrs. Kenwigs.”He certainly has,” added Miss Petowker. “There’s something in his appearance quite–dear, dear, what’s the word again?””What word?” inquired Mr. Lillyvick.”Why–dear me, how stupid...

Satire’s nature is to be one-sided, contemptuous of ambiguity, and so unfairly selective as to find in the purity of ridicule an inarguable moral truth.

[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in...

If it comes down to a choice of gettin’ captured or killed by Saxons or brigands, dead is less bad,

I don’t do ‘black music,’ I don’t do ‘white music’…I make fight music, for high school kids.

Back in our apartment, lights out, The Professor emerged from beneath the bed.” – from “The Professor Spends the Night,” in issue 4 of Literary Orphans

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

A leprechaun did not just kill off my car in a hailstorm.

He has the memory of a convict, the balls of a fireman, and the eyesight of a housebreaker. When there is crime to fight, Landsman tears around Sitka like a man with his pant leg...

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like...

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.