A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

The Maddoxes could sense trouble. At least it seemed that way, because whenever there was a fight, they had either started it, or finished it. Usually both.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

I want to make you hold onto that bag while I bury myself in you so hard and so deep you don’t know your own name. -Nick Rixey

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.

How many beers do y’all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, ‘Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?’ ‘ Sam drawled.

I don’t drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I know lots of things you don’t””Name five.””The Grand Unification Theory, tax law, binary, the capital of Azerbailan, and how tractors work.

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Are you watching the boats?” Cornelia guessed. She craned her neck to see if there was any excitement on the river.Heavens no, I’m spying on people,” Virginia responded unrepentantly.-Cornelia E and Virginia Somerset

OK,” Josh said evenly, “I’ve seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?” he wondered aloud.Don’t be ridiculous,” Flamel snapped, “They’re rats.”Josh really didn’t think it was a...

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

If it doesn’t sweat, jiggle, or pant, it’s not alive.

You can’t jump for the stars if your feet hurt.

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Free sex with room.”

Oh, the dilemmas of a teenage psychic.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.