A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

She told you to G.T.F.O. over text????

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie’s head....

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

Every morning the first thing I do is serve my husband a bowl full of praises. More then his stomach I try to keep his ego full.

Chance” is just a word expressing ignorance

Woah, their gorgeous not so fast I haven’t even catched your name or your number” – Jaxson Evans

If you fall, I’ll be the there

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second!

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

A blanket could be used as a soggy umbrella, if you’re too cheap to buy my 360-degrees spinning windshield wiper on a stick. Think of it like a one-bladed helicopter, and picture yourself as dry...

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a...

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

Caveat Emptor.”

As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance....

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

The sky was as blue as orange could get. I love sunsets at noon, and forks disguised as spoons.

18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Did you ever wish you had a book that would explain the full meaning of life’s random happenings to you?

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

Not that I don’t appreciate the rescue,” Holt said. “But I’m forced to ask, in the interest of self-preservation … exactly how well armed are you right now?

Now you got us whammied with the curse of squirmy death.

Party at in my mind, you’re place sucks

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.