He’d have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he’d dazzle them.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

Alice smiled her wide smile. The crooked incisor smile.

Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat – where do I get these metaphors from?

Babe, I don’t know you and my no zone has a very short guest list. Consider my belt the velvet rope no one crosses without an express invitation.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

That which must not, can not be.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

I didn’t know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her.

So if you are what you eat and you are as young as you feel, then I am a pizza, right out of the oven.

There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic.

You’re (I’m) not weird, you’re (I’m) just not preticularily normal.

Darling Daddy,This is Rose.So flames went all up the kitchen wall. Saffron called the fire brigade and the police came too to see if it was a trick and the police woman said to Saffron...

It looks like Animal and Miss piggy had sex,” I said. “And this was the spawn.” “My eyes!” Boomer cried. “My eyes! I can’t stop seeing it now that you’ve said it!

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn’t any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody’s clothes...

Right now, I couldn’t have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on...

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!

Do ever respond to a question without asking another question?Does it bother you?No. But it does confirm my hypothesis.What hypothesis?He let out a heavy sigh, and with it, all the residual warmth from our flirty...

i like pie

I didn’t actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

Jesse is a good guy, although I don’t understand the infatuation with the spandex he is always running around in.

Or a single-handed all-out assault on the forest?

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Oops.” ~Luna’s POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

My smile wavers as I revert to my natural state of being: nervous and weird.

I thought you’d be gone by now.” Velkan”Hardly, I have to much to do.” Esperetta”Such as?” Velkan”Apologize to you.” Esperetta”Why would you do that?” Velkan”Because I’m stupid and pigheaded. Judgmental. Unforgiving. Mistrustful–you can stop me...

You keep the title of ‘president’ even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We’ve been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson...

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

Lettuce mustard our strength, celery-brate and have bun while I scream, relish the day!

Some days you were the bitch and some days you were shit that came out of the bitch’s toy poodle. Today was one of those days I was the latter.

… and then I jumped out the window

Darling Daddy,This is Rose.Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the...

If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he’d tell me the shot was great.

Let’s roll out, Batman.””I’m Batman and you’re Robin?””Don’t make me laugh. I’m Spider-Man.””Then we live in different universes. I’m DC and you’re Marvel.”Duncan rolled his eyes. “Can’t we all get along? And since when are...

If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then...

Tick tock, tick tock.-Wiress

Friendship is like peeing your pants; everyone can see it but only you can feel it».

You’ve got to stop and ask yourself once in a while…why some asinine politicians would quicker cut out social security than the space program…Go figure.

I read somewhere they only have to go once a week.

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering.It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is (wioll...

Ingmar riuscì ad intrecciarsi a tal punto col filo del telefono che per liberarsi strappó il cavo e tutto l’apparecchio dalla parete.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Do all narcotics officers lack basic humancompassion, or were you just not hugged enough as a child?”Trust Me

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy’Albert Einstein

Cabal. Cabal. Cabal. I summon you to me. Now.”Simi and Kody exchanged a look that said he was as crazy as he suddenly felt when nothing happened.Great, Dad. I can look stupid on my own....

Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired?