Never put off till tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow just as well

Oh, sod off, I’m calling the Police.” Another series of banging on the door. “Open up, Police.” That was quick.

If You’re Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair!

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne

It is the end of the world. Surely you could be allowed a few carnal thoughts.

I have only touched one other computer at my friend Marissa’s house, and found the experience disconcerting. There was something sinister about the green letters and numbers that flashed on the screen as the computer...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

I’m so good” I taunt him as i ease back bouncing on my calves like he does, and playfully sticking out my tongue. He totally misses that for hes watching my breast bounce. “real good”...

Miguel: Merle? What kind of hick name is that? I wouldn’t name my dog Merle.

This isn’t a trunk monkey, is it.” Nick”No. It’s not. It’s a memento from your enemies.” Caleb”Yeah, well, at least it makes my heart surgery scar look cooler.” Nick

I’ve purged myself of worldly goods; half my stuff is either being sold or going to charity. I need to go shopping.

Life is an absolute Dream… then I wake up.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or...

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

a purveyor of insipid wet-dreams.

Narcissus is a loser! He’s so weak, he can’t bench-press a Kleenex. He’s so lame, when you look up lame on Wikipedia, it’s got a picture of Narcissus—only the picture’s so ugly, no one ever...

That’s the understatement of the year.

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

Darling Daddy,Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who...

Who is your favorite character in the series? Or…if that’s too hard, why do you like each one and who drives you crazy?Puck: Well, she likes me best, of course. I’m the handsome, charming one....

Lying on the ceiling. Refusing to go to school. Not opening up to me. Climbing water towers. “No, she’s all right.

I do know you’re nothing like him. But you’re still….still a lot. A lot to handle. I don’t mean your junk, obviously, as we’ve not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can’t believe...

For that, Mr. Malphas, you can join Mr. Gautier in after-school detention.”Caleb let out an irritated sigh. –More quality time with my hemorrhoid. Just what I wanted for Christmas. Yippee ki-yay.–

Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.

She grabbed all her clothes from her wardrobe and flung them across the room, screaming her head off until she finally felt sane again. Perhaps tomorrow she would buy those cats. (Holly)

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

I grabbed a shovel and dug, and dug, and dug.Sorry not a very poetic thought, but very deep.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

I´ve been Obeahed by an Obeahman? Is this like how the smurfs say they smurfing smurfed all the time?

Grace,” he roared in her face.

Cause hearts are amazing things. They get lots bigger to make room for new people to love alongside the old people you love. -Simi

This cave is so dark I can’t see any of you in your ninja outfits.” “Sorry.” the boys said and they peeled off their outfits and left them in a pile. The boys left Mollie’s...

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist !

I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.

the answer to every problem involved penguins

I’m not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from.

Thanks for coming,” Zach told him. He slapped Jonas on the back. And I felt like I’d fallen into an alternate universe. One where Zach had…friends.

Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car…”Crikey, Caddy!” said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose.Eve murmured, “Sweet,” rather doubtfully.Sarah said, not doubtfully at all,...

Leonard had let them go alone with the young boy who Ali was now convinced, was a couple falafel’s short of a picnic

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.

How funny are dogs?

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

Hey, don’t knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off.” Jo

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass.

I’m happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here. ‘I told you I could do it :)’ Lio IMs me. I want to...

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working