Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.

the answer to every problem involved penguins

I’m not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from.

Thanks for coming,” Zach told him. He slapped Jonas on the back. And I felt like I’d fallen into an alternate universe. One where Zach had…friends.

Caddy came home on Friday evening. Perfectly Harmless Patrick brought her in his battered old car…”Crikey, Caddy!” said Indigo, and he disappeared upstairs to tell Rose.Eve murmured, “Sweet,” rather doubtfully.Sarah said, not doubtfully at all,...

Leonard had let them go alone with the young boy who Ali was now convinced, was a couple falafel’s short of a picnic

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH.

How funny are dogs?

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

Hey, don’t knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off.” Jo

(About a cookbook…)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor…but they ends up Tarts.

He had bright elfin eyes and a knowledgeable ass.

I’m happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here. ‘I told you I could do it :)’ Lio IMs me. I want to...

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Remember, I’m the only person her who’s paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I’ll break your face. OK?

Sometimes charm can make a person blind to truth…look at Ted Bundy.

Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

NORA [looking earnestly and a little doubtfully at him]. Surelyif you let one woman cry on you like that you’d never let anothertouch you.BROADBENT [conscientiously]. One should not. One OUGHT not, mydear girl. But the...

Clouds are high flying Fog

At fifty times the distance, you dispatched that ko-bold with three arrows to the neck. I’ve earned a trio to the chest. Seems you slapped him while you’re tickling me. You doona want to kill...

…and Jack, who felt like he was on the cusp of being able to read minds and thought it would be all right if Luce wrote him down for that. (“I sense that you’re okay...

Now there’s a girl I don’t want to mess with’ — or at least, that’s what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people.

Green grass breaks through snow,Artemis pleads for my help,I am so cool.

I get a message from my dad. In the mood I’m in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me....

Afternoon experience: autographing exposed legs, outstretched in lines like matchsticks. Afternoon epiphany: Those with smooth, hairless legs would soon lose all evidence of my contact when the sweat causes the ink from the marker to...

What can I say? I’m like a playground water fountain, I live to wet people’s pants.

When life gives you lemons, you exchange them at the store for something more edible.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.””Waitress!” Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. “Bring two!” then, more quietly,”You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet...

People in hell want snowcones.

I’m not sure what this blender is, but I think I should be feeling bad for that poor wombat.” Cadegan

I’ve been single so long that if I hug a brother, he’ll get pregnant!

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Alright, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it’s here, do they? Do they, Gandalf?

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Lassen Sie es nicht zu gehen

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the...

I must be very complex, judging by the number of days determined to define me.

As often as possible, I would hope,” he said, kissing me softly under the evening sky.

You saved Dad’s life. If anyone’s got the right to eavesdrop on him, it’s you.

The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

Instead I sounded like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. My name is Bee, and I like coloring and horsies.

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

Remember every vote count’s and every two are worth a nickel

Do yourself a favor,’ I said. “Forget it. Forget you ever saw me.””Forget that you tried to kill me too?””Yeah. That, too.””But who are you?””Percy-” I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. “Gotta...

[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.You oaf. He...

Sometimes you are the peanut to my butter and sometimes you are those annoying crumbs left over when someone makes toast.