Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we’ve been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we’re certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our...

I should have known that having “end of the world” sex wouldn’t solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

I feel that the work that I have done in the comedy arena, is priceless in terms of what I learned, timing, everything that these incredibly talented performers were generous enough in teaching me.

If you don’t want me to attend the patient I’ll go.”But she can’t see a doctor now.”Why not?”She isn’t well.

Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. “If I might be so bold, my lady-“”Perriwick!” Blake roared. “If I hear the phrase ‘if I might be so bold’ one more...

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her “Dildo” and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

Desperate measures call for desperate times.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.

I’m pretty sure ‘ping’ in Chinese means ‘table,’ and ‘pong’ means ‘tennis.

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

I mean, I know it can be done, but no one has ever asked me to do it before. Plus, I have a reputation to uphold. This is Beverly Hills. The last thing I need...

Well, bloody noses.” I hug his coat tighter. “Those are definitely hot.

It may be that The Great Gatsby is as perfect, word for word, just in terms of English; but Ulysses is deeper, richer, wider – and is comic, whereas The Great Gatsby is a tragic...

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn’t an option anymore.

I’ve done a lot of work other than sci-fi, and between half-hour comedy, stage, and various movie roles, I’ve really tried to avoid being typecast.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

You know when you send a text message to someone and you don’t get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text message to someone you really like and you get a...

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

A farce or comedy is best played; a tragedy is best read at home.

Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but… why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

Stop flirting,” he tells her, but he looks at her breasts and thinks, The girls with the bruises in the sex films are just dead dolls, but this pretty toy is alive.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

When men were ready to marry, look out. Their evolution busted out all over. They nabbed the closest female hanging out near their caves, anyone who looked like she would clean his woolly mammoth tunics...

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one – when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two – when singing a shanty that reminds...

The Doctrine is the Ecstasy

To be honest, I’m a little tired of playing bad guys. I long to do a comedy. But it was fun knocking Indiana Jones around.

You just make sure you don’t screw it up. It’s going to work as long as you don’t mess it up. Hopefully you have plenty of those moments in a big comedy.

It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true.

‘Wayne’s World’ is my all time favorite comedy. I used to watch it on VHS on repeat with my brother when I was ten years old.

The first thing you lose when you die is your motor skills.

I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions… There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there...

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take...

Success=Assinchair

Think like a middle-aged man with OCD, a dead wife, and a teenage daughter.Think like a woman with three teenage sons who once ran a golf cart into the side of their granddad’s house.””Cameron and...

I don’t like this.””I know you don’t, my little spaetzel. But I am too worn out to run from both the police and your murderous twin, and Damian’s looking peaky, plus Christian did apologize for...

I think that… I would say that sometimes people get afraid of when you’re balancing comedy and drama.

I can’t think of anyone who knew how to play comedy better.

In the final analysis, it’s even money whether they’ll use the phrase ‘in the final analysis.

I refuse to be just another statistic. I’m empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.