Hi Maggie, it’s nice to see you again,’ he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he’s got, drive him out of the...

You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

I think most of my tastes were British, as far as comedy went, when I was growing up.

A lot of people do comedy about India, but they’re not from India. It’s a Kwik-E-Mart perspective. I want to provide a genuine view and maybe one on how we see the West.

Now, this is where I draw the line! It’s bad enough everybody in town’s going to be thinkin’ I’m sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be...

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old “face” from the sixties a pin up gangster with a “mars bar” weal scraping his left cheek and of course two “wag” slags in tow trussed...

…Whenever someone says to me, ‘Jerry Lewis says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Christopher Hitchens says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Rick Fenderman says women aren’t funny… Do you have anything to say to that?’Yes. We don’t...

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

I do films that I like. I have done comedy, romance, everything, and I always like to do it differently from the previous ones.

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

I think the kick to doing comedy is just to get in a film with really funny people and let them do their jobs. I find that in most comedies, I’m not the funny one,...

The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays,...

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

You know that’s why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It’s because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

Never give up – never surrender!

Comedy is very controlling – you are making people laugh.

I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn’t spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

In studio films, everything has to be boxed in, everybody needs to know beforehand – this is comedy, this is sci-fi, this is drama – and what’s the point of independent film if you don’t...

A few people have ventured to imitate Shakespeare’s tragedy. But no audacious spirit has dreamed or dared to imitate Shakespeare’s comedy. No one has made any real attempt to recover the loves and the laughter...

Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to...

If I let her in I’m doomed. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you’ve invite them in, that’s it, you’re good as dead!

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don’t really worry that much about what other people think of me.

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.

Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.(Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.)[Said on his deathbed]

Your confidence in me is heartwarming.Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.

Roxy, stop being so obnoxious!” -Joy”I’m never obnoxious; I’m just concerned.” -Roxy

I went in there only once, as a sane man, and I came out…well, I came out like this. But you, once you come out of there, you’ll be a king!

[Comedies], in the ancient world, were regarded as of a higher rank than tragedy, of a deeper truth, of a more difficult realization, of a sounder structure, and of a revelation more complete. The happy...

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

My first film was a comedy, but after that I went always into more heavier stuff.

The main bridge of the original Starship Enterprise had pictures of galaxies above each workstation. Probably in case the ship got lost.

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

It’s just CIA being CIA.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.

SHUT UP,” Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. “This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a ‘King’ of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester...

Sometimes I think your intellect can get in your way as an actor or an artist. When you come from a world of improv and comedy, you’re able to let it flicker and fall out.

Working on ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’ we’re there from 10-7, and that’s a pretty light day compared to most other TV shows. Other shows, it’s like 10-10.

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of...

whore” upon?