I’ve … always thought he could be a big comedy star. The nice thing about ‘Virgin’ is that it shows the studios that if the premise is a strong one, you can take a chance...

Nobody really knows, but I got a little comedy in me.

“I need to explain all this to Adam in private. I can’t get McGillicuddy to explain it to him. Something will be lost in translation.” “Well, excuse me that I can’t look at him all...

Saer is a great big poop, and you shouldn’t listen to anything he says,” I said, panting just a little.”Obviously, he was trying to demoralize me.””Men who are poops demoralize people all the time,” I...

Hey, he’s not using a holster,” I said, glancing at Alex’s on the dresser. He laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It’d be so great if these things were...

Have a great tomorrow

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

Once you’ve played a real video game about war, you don’t understand how people can play video games about video games about war.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

I’m not sure what ‘batting an eye’ means, but it sounds like it could be pretty fun.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what’s happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing’s happening at all.

Listen to Understand. Not to Reply!!!!

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

Percy, you are dismissed from my service.””Me? Why, my lord?””Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride...

I’m gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up,” she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. “That’s a good thing to be, Julia.””Although,” Frank said. “Frank Zhang would be good too.

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving...

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet… and yet you...

It’s a very funny play. The music is just tremendous; it’s a comedy with opera mixed in.

With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that...

You look up at drama, down at comedy. A singer, looking up is okay. A comic, it’s death.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

If there’s grass on the pitch,” and gives his small cock a quick squeeze under the desk.

Opposite Pissec sits ghoulish Gottfried Baumauer, a tall, skinny workaholic with dark-ringed eye sockets and long, yellowing smoker’s fingers. He’s thirty-eight. He doesn’t say much. He drinks a lot of tea – likes it strong...

Is that how you get dates?” Seth asked.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

I watched 60 Minutes…and they showed this woman, she’s in every kind of..thing like that. ‘This woman’, they say, ‘she lost her first four children–died from malnutrition–and, now, she’s afraid that her new six-month-old newborn...

I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.

Shall I compare thee to a Shoggoth?

I try to never miss the Zumba class since I believe comedy is a great way to start your week….It was great fun, although I had to hold myself back from turning it into a...

The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same—dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits—the repetition through the ages is comedy.

When extremists come together extreme things happen.

Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It’s horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.