Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

Comedy is second nature for me.

His manhood sways briefly, then comes to a standstill.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it work for him. All this Margrathea nonsense seemed juvenile. Isn’t it enough to see that a...

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

Comedy, of course, lives for serious moments.

You know, we’ve got to this place, where you go to a movie for one particular surgical fix. So, it’s like, I want the pulse-pounding action, or the insane falling-off-my-seat comedy, or the devastating, heart-breaking...

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

When I left school I was full of angst, like any teenager, and I channeled it all into comedy.

It’s kind of got everything – good comedy, good drama, good romance – and I can see why Julia Roberts would be attracted to it. Everybody gets to play two parts. You get to play...

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we’ve been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we’re certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our...

I should have known that having “end of the world” sex wouldn’t solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in ‘Vrski’ and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don’t be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don’t you love...

I feel that the work that I have done in the comedy arena, is priceless in terms of what I learned, timing, everything that these incredibly talented performers were generous enough in teaching me.

If you don’t want me to attend the patient I’ll go.”But she can’t see a doctor now.”Why not?”She isn’t well.

Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. “If I might be so bold, my lady-“”Perriwick!” Blake roared. “If I hear the phrase ‘if I might be so bold’ one more...

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her “Dildo” and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.

You run away to join another circus.

Wish you were here” on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around inebriated.

Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

Everything about the man spoke of virility–his quick reaction, his calm control now that danger had passed. And she’d never seen a man wield a gun in real life–it was kind of a turn-on to...

You could say there was a surfeit of rich comedy that year. The winner was Daniel Kitson and – just to illustrate how strong it was – Jimmy Carr came second. Any other year the...

All You Need Is Love” in homage to their memory.

A tragedy is a tragedy, and at the bottom, all tragedies are stupid. Give me a choice and I’ll take A Midsummer Night’s Dream over Hamlet every time. Any fool with steady hands and a...

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant...

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.””She’s not clever. I did them,” yelled Frieda.”You’ll get five years.””She did them.”From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

penilosophy.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.