OK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Twas Thomas Edison did declareThat waste is worse than lossYet never once saw fit to pareHis first name to Tomás

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

What’s your name, son?’ Sam said. The man looked to be about Sam’s age, but Sam always thought calling people ‘son’ immediately gave the air of imperial authority and opened the door for spanking if...

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

He stares at me, and then leans back in his chair. “He’s ill, Jacob.”I say nothing. “He’s a paragon schnitzophonic.””He’s what?!””Paragon schnitzophonic,” repeats Uncle Al. “You mean paranoid schizophrenic?””Sure. Whatever. But the bottom line is...

Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don’t, no matter how funny they are.

You can have a lot of fun with rhinos

I am a stage actor. I do mostly improv comedy. The only national television stuff is ‘Archer’ and’ Frisky Dingo.’

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

[Eclecticism is the byword for this year’s festival.] The Merchant City has some great venues for comedy, … We want to show a bit of everything that happens in Glasgow’s comedy community.

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn’t feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I’m a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn’t mean they...

Writing is a solitary existence, especially if you forget to chat to your friends – sorry, I meant characters.

You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, “Quit eating us,” and sharks are like, “Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we’d be grossly overweight and depressed.

A life without trouble and tragedy is boring and not a plot for comedy.

There is no essential difference between the material of comedy and tragedy. All depends on the point of view of the dramatist, which, by clever emphasis, he tries to make the point of view of...

Comedy lives on in the web and TV, but nobody’s pressing comedy albums anymore.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

He squinted at me. “What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

I’ve actually done a lot of comedy.

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.

I would say I try to make my comedy really personal. I try to tell stories that happened to me, experiences from my life.

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach” Ryan says before we can be introduced. “I’m a big fan of your work” he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I...

Oh, God,” Lori said without looking at me, “what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might TALK or something.””That would be awful,” I said. “I...

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Wrinkles was her big gray cat. Sierra named him Wrinkles because when he was a little baby he had a wrinkly face. He slept in Sierra’s room, but not always on the bed. Mommy said...

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Refutation of Baldy’s LawBaldy’s Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it.2. By King’s Rule, there’s...

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?”Her advice? “Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞

Maddison de la Botella, licence to drill.