Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

The Ultimate Rule ought to be: ‘If it sounds GOOD to you, it’s bitchin’; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it’s shitty. The more your musical experience, the easier it is to define for yourself...

This comedy show will end.The endless streams of tears of a 79 year old woman are now enough for her to wash her swollen feet.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody...

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

He who writes books that aim to convince is a comedian, too, just a comedian. What has he got to offer others, apart from chains, still more chains? Fiction never liberated anyone. No one ever...

You’d be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid.

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that’s what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in...

When I do comedy, I lose all inhibition and introspection. I no longer care.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask”Who’s driving the boat?” Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Meaning, yes — I don’t really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it’s weird a fictional character’s telling this story, you ain’t seen what happened,...

I think the reason I choose the comic approach so often is because it’s harder, therefore affording me the opportunity to show off.

The aim of the conspiracy is to come up with an aim for the conspiracy.

I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

Saw a headline: ‘World’s Ugliest Dog Dead.’ Not believing it for one minute.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

Twas Thomas Edison did declare that waste is worse than loss yet never thought it fit to pare his first name to Tomás

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

I asked you a question. What are you doing here?”Resting his elbows on the side of the tub, he smiled lazily. She hated it when he smiled lazily. “Waiting for the bubbles to evaporate,” he...

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of...

Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

Ma la virilità si è tutta smammolata in coccolette; il coraggio svaporato in complimenti, e gli uomini sono diventati tutti lingua, come dei pappagalli ammaestrati. Oggi è più valente di un Ercole chi sa meglio...

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

To be honest, I don’t know how comedy works.

The Internet is a great place to find unconventional comedy that you can’t find anywhere else.

I noticed Xander had subtly adjusted his posture. He slouched slightly to the side, let his head hang, and then looked up through his bangs to gaze at something in the middle distance. Uber James...

And don’t drop food.

I’m a laugher and a lover of comedy.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I am a huge fan of the show, and I’m very picky with my comedy. I don’t get to do comedy very often, and when they asked me, I jumped at the opportunity. I was...

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.

At times we were criticized for doing too much slapstick. I don’t believe in mild comedy, and neither does Lucy.

…you’re either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church.

Comedy works best when people recognise themselves.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

I was hoping that the appeal of the show would stretch beyond the anglophile and comedy-obsessed.