Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then...

Perhaps I have a wider range than I’d given myself credit for.

Most people think I’m immodest.

I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

Let’s not forget, I got divorced.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn’t know who I was, she would run away.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch.

There are times when I’m driving home after a day’s shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would’ve been so much better if I had written it out.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

The addition of nuts in salad… I always find to be beneficial.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

Most practical jokes, I’ll feel too bad for the other person so I’ll stop just before the punchline.

I don’t like to make a big splash anyway.

I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter.

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I am not honest.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.

You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.

The only change I can really see is that I don’t have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’

There’s also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.

I don’t like to say anything good. I feel like I’ll jinx myself.

I believe in something.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is...

Well, as you know, I’m really only happy when I’m on stage.

I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

OK, I’m happy. I’m happy. All right? I’m happy.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.

I don’t really know much about TV and what people want to see. I’m not that well-informed about it.

I can’t stand reading anything that I’ve said.