The Element of Surprise is their in every day,It’s when you wake up.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy...

Where have all the Fembots gone?

That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

Here’s the thing about Jews in Hollywood. Not to stereotype, but the Jews I know here are the funniest, most self-deprecating people I know. And it’s rare to find a Jew that is actually offended...

I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after...

I.O. was kind of like comedy high school. Everybody knows each other, dated each other, performed together, lived together – so there’s a lot of history among a lot of people.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of...

I fart in your general direction.

Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

I’d say I’ve gone to grad school for comedy being on ‘Community.’

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting....

It could be worse… It could be raining

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

It’s early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I’m thankful. I’m happy. My cup runneth over. Now there’s coffee everywhere.

People who do comedy are always underrated because they make it look so easy.

There’s something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics...

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you’re really only giving a little over 109%.

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises...

If you’re doing an animated comedy on the same channel as ‘South Park,’ no one can really tell you anything. The bar has been set so high.

Your full of yourself.””Duhh… genetics man.

What I love about comedy is breaking down the barrier between the audience and the performer.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish “shrek” mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

It’s funny because I think a lot of it is simply… We’ve never considered ourselves satirists, but because we’re on Comedy Central and because we’re South Park on Comedy Central, we can do any topic...

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won’t go free.APOLLORelax, I’m not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you’re...

I’d have to say that my favorite kind of film is serious comedy. Comedy with serious underpinning. ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is like that. That’s my fave genre, if I had to pick one.

There are some actresses that can’t do comedy; it’s too heavy-handed.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...