I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn’t spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

In studio films, everything has to be boxed in, everybody needs to know beforehand – this is comedy, this is sci-fi, this is drama – and what’s the point of independent film if you don’t...

A few people have ventured to imitate Shakespeare’s tragedy. But no audacious spirit has dreamed or dared to imitate Shakespeare’s comedy. No one has made any real attempt to recover the loves and the laughter...

Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to...

If I let her in I’m doomed. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you’ve invite them in, that’s it, you’re good as dead!

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don’t really worry that much about what other people think of me.

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.

Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.(Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.)[Said on his deathbed]

Your confidence in me is heartwarming.Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.

Roxy, stop being so obnoxious!” -Joy”I’m never obnoxious; I’m just concerned.” -Roxy

I went in there only once, as a sane man, and I came out…well, I came out like this. But you, once you come out of there, you’ll be a king!

[Comedies], in the ancient world, were regarded as of a higher rank than tragedy, of a deeper truth, of a more difficult realization, of a sounder structure, and of a revelation more complete. The happy...

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

I can pass any polygraph, as long as it’s cut up into small enough bites.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

My first film was a comedy, but after that I went always into more heavier stuff.

The main bridge of the original Starship Enterprise had pictures of galaxies above each workstation. Probably in case the ship got lost.

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

It’s just CIA being CIA.

As an author I’m in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I’ve found it again.

SHUT UP,” Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. “This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a ‘King’ of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester...

Sometimes I think your intellect can get in your way as an actor or an artist. When you come from a world of improv and comedy, you’re able to let it flicker and fall out.

Working on ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’ we’re there from 10-7, and that’s a pretty light day compared to most other TV shows. Other shows, it’s like 10-10.

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of...

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old “face” from the sixties a pin up gangster with a “mars bar” weal scraping his left cheek and of course two “wag” slags in tow trussed...

…Whenever someone says to me, ‘Jerry Lewis says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Christopher Hitchens says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Rick Fenderman says women aren’t funny… Do you have anything to say to that?’Yes. We don’t...

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

I feel really grateful that I am in comedy, and I love doing it.

I’m never going to say, ‘Well, I’m never going to do comedy again.’ I love comedies, and it’s what people know me for, so I love doing it… I don’t really think about it in...

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

I don’t drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

I want to do drama, light comedy, the whole range.

Warning from the author: “if you’re buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cuss-words as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people...

‘The Simpsons’ is like Charlie Parker or Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor: Comedy couldn’t go back to the way it was after ‘The Simpsons’ came out.

She’s been trapped here for over two thousand years, made to think that she’s an ugly old bird and fooled by some arse wipe into protecting a lump of rock that is perfectly capable of...

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

Maybe we will, and we’ll take the entire comedy industry with us.

Laughter and enjoyment is the key to Entertainment.

Immortality is the new twenty!

The Question is actually the answer

I never was shy, but as far as telling jokes, I’m the worst. I like physical comedy; it’s where I feel comfortable.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

College wasn’t like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

Dame Edna is that rarest sighting in our time of the absolute comic, an inspired personification of caprice whose comedy answered the primal call to take the audience for a tumble.

They’re so broke that they’ve actually cut essential services. In many places, they’ve cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it’s much more fun watching something burn down.