Stubble or what?” Eyes still closed he chuckled. “I’m not shaving until our parents let us date again.” He kissed my cheek. “What if it takes… a… while?” I asked struggling to talk. He’d made...

Now, listen Tyler,’ Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on...

Was that tragedy? Or was that comedy? Was there really any difference?

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

Whenever God kicks in a door, He padlocks it later.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

The question isn’t whether it’s SFW, the question is whether W is SF it.

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

The job knew I was dangerous when it took me.

Look before you blunder

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn’t easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

I like comedy. I would love to do comedy for a long time.

Ain’t nothing going to eat you while Bubba’s around.” Caleb laughed. “They might toy with him for a bit but he won’t let any past.” Caleb to Nick.”Is something wrong?” Nick to Bubba”Nah… I just…”...

When you can’t make it, just fake it

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where...

whore” upon?

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in...

Here’s the thing about Jews in Hollywood. Not to stereotype, but the Jews I know here are the funniest, most self-deprecating people I know. And it’s rare to find a Jew that is actually offended...

I’m not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after...

I.O. was kind of like comedy high school. Everybody knows each other, dated each other, performed together, lived together – so there’s a lot of history among a lot of people.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of...

I fart in your general direction.

Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

You barbarians!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll sue the council for every penny it’s got! I’ll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled…until…until…until…until you’ve had enough.’Ford was running after him. Very very fast.’And then...

I’d say I’ve gone to grad school for comedy being on ‘Community.’

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! – The Credit Repair...

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Have a pleasant evening with your cows.”Cows?She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he’d felt the sting....

It could be worse… It could be raining

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

It’s early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I’m thankful. I’m happy. My cup runneth over. Now there’s coffee everywhere.

People who do comedy are always underrated because they make it look so easy.

There’s something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics...

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

There’s a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer. Counterintelligence implants a portion of Angleton’s DNA inside us when we EOD.