The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

No novelists any good except me. Sovietski — yah! Nastikoff — bah! I spit me of zem all. No novelists anywhere any good except me. P. G. Wodehouse and Tolstoi not bad. Not good, but...

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.

Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable.

The Theatre of the Absurd, in the sense that it is truly the contemporary theatre, facing as it does man’s condition as it is, is the Realistic theatre of our time; and that the supposed...

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I wasn’t very far away from figuring out the secret to love, no more than two miles or so, when my camel broke down and I got shot at by a pack of cigarettes.

Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

I am the master of the Whisper Shout. It sounds like my normal talking voice, only breathier. It makes a common I love you sound Top Secret.

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball....

I mopped up my moped off the street, and drove home on the unicycle below my handlebar mustache, while I thought about the path love might take now.

In high school I used to sing in the shower. None of the football players liked it, because they were all naked and I was in a tuxedo.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

I am the parking garage of love, but sadly I’m empty at the moment. It’s cheaper if you pay for a whole week, rather than by the hour.

I’m invisible, and the only way to show you would be to not show you. My love can also be proven without proof.

Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

Go sip on gossip, and leave the coffee talk for me to chug. I’ll be in the kitchen, giggling like a schoolgirl if you need me.

A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get...

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

I love the sunrise, but not as much as I love you. Will you pass me my midnight-black blindfold?

I once saw two rocks having sex, and I just shook my head because how stupid are those rocks? Don’t they know life only comes from life? Still, I voted for the rock on the...

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.

When describing myself, I don’t use superlatives. Just normal latives. And if I use the same word more than once to describe myself, it’s a relative. This is how I became my own father. And...

Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Robot BoyMr. an Mrs. Smith had a wonderful life.They were a normal, happy husband and wife.One day they got news that made Mr. Smith glad.Mrs. Smith would would be a momwhich would make him the...

O absurdo é essencialmente um divórcio. Não está num nem outro dos elementos comparados. Nasce do seu confronto.

Snorkel through our vibrant menagerie of fish and marine life, each one of which has been clearly tagged and labeled for your convenience. Do you think the jokers at Sandals would do that for you?...

I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.

I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the...

I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you are, Greg Louganis?

If love were a color, it’d be orange. Not because that’s a romantic color, but because it’s the sweetest. If you want to know how I feel about you, I just made some juice out...

I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to try to excite me. In all the excitement I forgot where I was,...

An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome, but I did sleep with six prosthetic legs (I have a bad back).

In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...