Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

Applaud my idiocy.

The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating...

It pours itself. My love, I mean. I hope you like a lot of gravy on your mashed potatoes!

75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product...

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun.

You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless. I felt like Noah preaching to a pack of Helen Kellers.

I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me.

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote...

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

The ocean in the sky keeps my love fresh like boat shoes that are too big to fail. My heart is flooded with feelings like Noah one knows.

Three men walk into a bar. The third guy’s name is 333. The first guy’s name is The Second Guy, and the second guy’s name is I’m Not Lying. One of these men is not...

My toothpaste tastes like baloney, so I brush my teeth with wheat bread. Guess what flavor my love is, and what kind of mechanical apparatus I use to make it.

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net

You’ll never know what psychopathic heights you’re capable of, just lying there on the sofa

You know, Maude . . . somebody meeting you for the first time — not knowing you were cracked — might get the wrong impression of you.

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and...

He himself, Anthony went on to think, he himself had chosen to regard the whole process as either pointless or a practical joke. Yes, chosen. For it had been an act of the will. If...

We’re the new power, come to replace the old. Cameras in the head, children with microchips, spin doctors rewriting reality as it happens.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection.

I made a t-shirt that says, “Today’s my birthday” on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point to the text on my tee as the reason why they should oblige....

Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers for America’s current monetary nightmare.

Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he’ll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee.”That was code. It...

To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.