If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

If life is a bowl of cherries, what’s inside of it?

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

I’d die for your sins, but I’d probably enjoy them first

If you don’t fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials….I would love to’ pay no interest for 6 months

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

positivity is the father of reinvention

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

Death is life’s way of telling you, you’ve been recalled

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Love is just the chocolate-coated realization you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and unfortunately it melts in your mouth

If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

I have a keen sense of the oblivious

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

Y’know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It’s not as easy as it looks…”

When you’re out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that’s no chocolate on the pillow

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Treat me like a king and I’ll treat you like a queen……….Treat me like a queen and off with your head

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

Do the thing you fear, and the death of your underwear is certain

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

When people try to rain on your parade,…pee on theirs

Dr. Suess said: ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..’ I tell my dates: ‘Don’t cry because it happened, smile because it’s over

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Women, can’t live with them, can’t murder/suicide without them

It’s always darkest before you’re blinded by the light