Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.

I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?

Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.

His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

If I share your bottle of beer, I’ll take the left side.

I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t black and white—they’re green and red. As a side note, do you think...

Have lube, will travel.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

A blanket could be used instead of a blindfold when kidnapping someone. And the trunk of your car could be rented out like a cheap motel room to a midget.

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance.

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.

Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.

I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.

It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.

Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand for one thing—a public willing to remain seated like obedient children, while they...

At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on.

Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

I’m a party animal. And that animal is a bear, during the winter months.

I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said .And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would,...

As eternal beings, we shouldn’t let our time spent trapped in the temporal prisons we call our bodies distract us from the fact that love is forever. Love now and love later, because the two...

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?

I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what’s more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.