The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.

I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.

She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.

Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, “Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It’s just a gift from God I guess.

Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless it’s a sunken statue—in a river of lava.

If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your enemies wisely. My enemy is so great he won’t be born like a...

Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you’re standing in a crowded room?

The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

Design is body language for inanimate objects.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.

It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I did a face plant. Ivy was her name.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.