Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

To be environmentally friendly, I’d ride my stationary bike to work. I hope my career works out, because it feels like I’m just spinning my wheels.

Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.

If I had to believe, I would. But I don’t, and I do.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

Being king is about having all the material things you want, and having nobody you trust enough to share them with.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

Warning: Do not open.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...

Making love is not my strength. Also, lifting weights is not my strength.

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.

Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.