Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don’t consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to...

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?

I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.

Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what’s more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.

must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup.

If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.

Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few...

Two women passing off a note. I find it disgusting! I’ll bet it’s the love letter I wrote to one of them. Well, if she didn’t appreciate it, maybe she’s right to give it to...

My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained and locked metal trunk. Then he had the audacity to not accept a...

I hate cold-calling. I like my phone calls warm, like meatloaf.

My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

The other night my grandpa stopped breathing. I thought he was trying to set a world record for holding his breath, but after ten minutes of me cheering him on, he had to be boring...

The time to act is now! Somebody go get the Director.

If I got a new heart with a heart transplant, I’d be forever grateful. Or at least grateful for the next 50 years or so.

She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re still on his body, which is still in the trunk of my car.

Man is somewhere in between God and animal. Jarod is somewhere in between Jar and Jason. (One of which I keep chained up in my freezer).

This is my logo for Amy

What I got out of church was a love of God, and a detestable feeling for the men standing in the way of Him—and the buffet in the banquet hall. Stand aside—I’m starving!

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees.

When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s full of hope. Grab a spoon, there’s plenty for both of us.

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this...

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I had a dream about you. You started following me on Twitter, and then you started following me around town. I wouldn’t mind so much of you would start throwing your hashtags away, rather than...

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

A brick could be used like a duck could be used like a cat. My duck soup is meowing to be manhandled by a construction worker.

I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold more of it, but nobody really liked your product. Plus, the people who...

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.

A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easier to use in the construction of a house.

Learn how to read by taking small sips first. Drink my watery literary nipples.

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.

I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest...

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

Love is like a hollowed out piece of chocolate, filled with melted music.

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

A blanket could be used to keep me from exploding. My patience is wearing thin, and my clothes are also wearing thin, and in some spots you can see through the material, so a blanket...