He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and...

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.

You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone...

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

I won’t put up with a woman who tries to put me down. But I might put out if she lets me put it in.

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his...

I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.

If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which,...

I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the truth. Or at least that’s what we told your parents. They didn’t need...

I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical.

When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.

I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.

Only a retard tries to cut something with the handle of a pair of scissors. Well, only a retard or a politician, but the two are synonymous.

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.

She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

SETI scans the stars searching for extraterrestrial intelligence, which pretty much rules out them ever finding an alien politician.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to...

I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

How much distance should there be between art and artist? I’d say no more than a lifetime.

Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.

I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.

In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in...

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor...

Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength in numbers for all that.

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

A tie is a two-way loss, not a double win. Only a loser feels like a winner by being the equal of his opponent.

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.