Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.

Since my love is so foggy, I could never date a woman named Misty. Or Steve, because that’s my dad’s name, and that’d be strange.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

Let’s start a new family.

I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard.

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.

If I started yesterday, I’d be a master of tomorrow.

Noon yellow is needed to combat my inner albino. But I prefer spreading my shadow thin like mayonnaise. Ours is a nighttime love.

A fly with an elephant on its back would give the illusion of a flying elephant, if that fly were powered by my love for you.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can put our relationship back together. Just pass me the maple syrup.

I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

If swimming in gold were a sport, I’d be the Michael Phelps, and my winning would lead to more winning, as my gold made more gold.

The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln.

I’ll invite you to try my wedding. Free samples until Tuesday!

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

My love is a cloud sound, silent as an orange flamingo. Too many swimmers have drowned while trying to fly, and there should be a law against making a law against that.

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

We were just kids, what did we know about love? I knew I loved her, and she knew she didn’t love me. Turns out we were both wrong.

I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been murdered, and their bodies smartly disposed of?

My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.

A Dragon Rose is a flying flower that breathes fire. A relationship isn’t truly a romance if there isn’t a tiny element of danger involved.

Love is an intense flickable mystery, like a booger.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

My fake mullet wig turns women on. Probably.

It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

I once inscribed the word “Ennui” backwards on my forehead, and I was so bored that I stared at it in the mirror for hours. And at the end of that time, I felt like...

In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.

I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes around every two years.

If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could just wait for science to give me a clone, and kill him instead....

I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now I’m offering free coffee if you haven’t got a place to sleep.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

It’s not how much you paid, but how much it would cost to replace it that’s important. What is the price of love?

I’m a dyslexic dancer. Instead of leading the women, I follow. Quick, cab driver, follow that woman!