A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s eyes out.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.

A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country.

I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).

Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

I said ‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t speak Swedish.”Well, of course you don’t. Neither do I. Who the hell speaks Swedish?

FLAMINGO!!

I can’t save you unless you save me, too.

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho’s; CEOs and their office ho’s; GI Joes and their combat ho’s; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their...

Although random mutations influenced the course of evolution, their influence was mainly by loss, alteration, and refinement… Never, however, did that one mutation make a wing, a fruit, a woody stem, or a claw appear....

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

What do you want? Where’s the goddamn ice I ordered? Where’s the booze? There’s a war on, man! People are being killed!

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.

I get the feeling that you won’t let me put my hands on you if I put them on someone else. Right now that doesn’t work for me and I want my hands on you...

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

We are surrounded by the absurd excess of the universe. By meaningless bulk, vastness without size, power without consequence. The stubborn iteration that is present without being felt. Nothing the spirit can marry. Merely phenomenon...

I want to talk to you and be random with you and be ridiculous with you.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

Her memories were beads jumbled loose in a box, unstrung.

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it...

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

Together a brick and a blanket create the perfect metaphor for life. Will you be a brick and make something of your life, or be a blanket and sleep your life away?