I’m very resilient. The only thing I’m missing right now are abs.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

It’s a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me – I’m fine with the card I got. I’m gonna play this.

You know you’re on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don’t have anything to give once you give it to the...

You haven’t lived till you’ve played Scrabble in a psych ward.

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it’s starting to work on me!

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics’ darlings, you might say.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

It’s weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can’t be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We’ve got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you’re laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what...

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it’s funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something’s funny and you’re the subject of it, sometimes it’s more offensive. If...

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn’t go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

People are so nice, you know. It’s such a credit to Howard Stern – the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family...

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

I’m a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does...

You know you have a gambling problem when it’s 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you’re walking around going, ‘Hey you get the lacrosse scores?’

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he’s told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he’s pulling it out of...

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn’t realize at...

I wish I was this dark genius artist – like Richard Pryor or something.

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

When you did impressions on ‘MADtv,’ the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character’s catchphrases recorded on a loop. You’d wear this thing around...

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy’s stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, ’cause no one was going to tolerate what he was...

By the time I am Howard’s age I hope to be long retired. I don’t plan on working that long.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn’t the greatest looking guy in the world.

It’s good to be alive.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won’t say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

‘Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time...

I got cast on ‘MADtv’ as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who’d been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he’s just… you know it’s an act that’s been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you’ve done this...

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there’s 18 websites that predict my early death.

Only when you’re in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you’ve made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand...

I’m like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you’re with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, ‘God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.’

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a...

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don’t drink in moderation.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that’s as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of...

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to...

When you’re an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst...

Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.