My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

Our meeting will keep, but my meatloaf and bowl of masturbation in the fridge won’t. Everybody at the political campaign loves when I bring food.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I’ll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)

I love hellos that last a lifetime, and goodbyes that are invisible, inaudible, and otherwise undetectable. Tell your mom I’m waving at her.

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage,...

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

I smell blood and an era of prominent madmen.

Voodoo GirlHer skin is white cloth,and she’s all sewn apartand she has many colored pinssticking out of her heart.She has many different zombieswho are deeply in her trance.She even has a zombiewho was originally from...

It is a Bush administration official on the moment when torture breaks a victim:The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to...

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!

I’ll be waiting in my trunk, with the engine of your car.

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They’re also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more...

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some.

Couples should be able to share their dreams with one another. That’s why for just $69.69, you’ll like what I have to sell you. It’s not just one tube and two suction cups you each...

I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling...

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.

She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time.

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

The Baudelaire orphans hung on to one another, and wept and wept while the adults argued endlessly behind them. Finally-as, I’m sorry to say, Count Olaf forced the Quagmires into puppy costumes so he could...

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you’ve never been to rehab

Hello, I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. By true I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies and in the end, isn’t that the truth?The answer is no.

You want to cut down air pollution? Cut down the original source… Breathin’!

I, Larry Vail, do hereby confessTo murdering Merry in her little dress.To strangling and raping and making a mess.To all of these charges the answer is yes.

Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable.

The Theatre of the Absurd, in the sense that it is truly the contemporary theatre, facing as it does man’s condition as it is, is the Realistic theatre of our time; and that the supposed...

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I wasn’t very far away from figuring out the secret to love, no more than two miles or so, when my camel broke down and I got shot at by a pack of cigarettes.

Water always flows downhill. So does my love. Are you prepared for a flood? You’d better build an ark.

I just got a new windshield. Slowly I’m going to replace my way to a new car. I make love the same way, methodically and over the course of several months.

I am the master of the Whisper Shout. It sounds like my normal talking voice, only breathier. It makes a common I love you sound Top Secret.