Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when falling in love today requires wearing a helmet.

I want to drown in all the ink used to write positive things about my clone and how great he is.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

I like wooden shoes—John Wooden. They are better for playing basketball. Nail them to the hardwood floor for increased shooting efficiency.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.

I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails...

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God’s Wisdom did not exist.

I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Job was what you’d technically describe as a loony.

That pompous phrase (graphic novel) was thought up by some idiot in the marketing department of DC. I prefer to call them Big Expensive Comics.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

Scoop out my soul with a spoon like it’s a cantaloupe, and I’ll tell you that love is breakfast. And I’d love to make breakfast to Agatha one more time.

He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.

Love is a bird’s nest of emotion that I used as a basket to store picnic items like apples, cheese, wine, and finger foods like thumbs and pinkies.

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it was love, two years before.

People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s all in the gloves.

I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic...

I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.

I once placed third in the Battle of the Fourth Places. There were only two other competitors, so I felt proud. My grandma and grandpa beat me, despite having been dead over five years.

Maruman does not loll.

I combined a unicycle with coffee table legs. You know, for balance and sexual stamina. I make love like I’m at the drive-thru, and I am, because I’m in a rush and I don’t have...

I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

I don’t like customer service, because I don’t believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

Happy Birthday.

A man from the Land of Fools wanted to pull down the clouds.’Why?’ someone asked him.’To squeeze out the rain.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.

When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258)

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

My high school teachers didn’t call me “The Babe Ruth of the Bicycle” for nothing. It’s too bad they didn’t call me that, because it was accurate.

This work is the link between my Dear Natalie piece and my upcoming Agatha work. It bridges that lapse in time and shows how my thinking has changed. It shows me telling a story through...

Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m a bring my own garden kind of lover.