I make cuddles the way I make clam chowder—without complaining and without jelly. If you assume the position, I’ll put the biscuits in the oven.

I am the captain of Team Erica. And if your name is Erika, I’m sorry, but you can’t join. Also, anybody named Eric A. is also not eligible.

In middle school, I got picked on a lot. But boy, it sure felt good to get picked, because who doesn’t like to get chosen and called out as special?

I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

What can you do with a person who says that he is absolutely uncertain about everything, and that he is absolutely certain about that?

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling.

Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay...

We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but if I want to play, I have to protect myself with a jockstrap.

You were torturing a cat,” she says. “With a freaking prod.””A prod I built myself in metal shop,” he says. “But of course you never mention that.

All the Debbies in the world are too big to be little. Makes me wish I were just two inches taller, you know? I blame my dad—or the mailman. Not sure yet. I get the...

Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust me, how can I ever hope to get close enough to steal your heart and sell it on eBay?

I have the lips of a lisp, and I kiss like kith. It sounds silly, but it feels more romantic.

Well, Nero,” Genghis said, “I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!””Oh, thank you,” Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis’s...

You’re only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds

So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. ‘Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.’ The end. Excellent advice.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

All right, You Great Git, You’ve asked for it. I’ll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I’ll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic...

To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

I’ve decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.

If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to wear as a safety harness, I think I’d be much better equipped to...

Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I...

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

I got you a box full of unfull. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s why I should have. As a lover, I always leave you hungry for more.

If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like...

a lover of love.