The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife’s probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first...

My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

This is my building—and my office has the best possible view.”

A biologist with a history of tooth decay invents a symbiotic microbe which lives in the human mouth and feeds by cleaning our teeth. It secreted calcium, which is poisonous to it, controlling its growth...

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man.

A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily...

Well, at least I am an orange”.

I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.

Hey, Ms. P,” Tad called, “what’s going on?”She let out a slow breath before she answered. “You won’t believe this… Brian Murrey tried to eat Scott Morgan.”Nick’s eyes widened at the unexpected explanation. Had he...

Just as heart is a fountain of unspoken words,the universe is a womb of wonder weird worlds.

Music is just such… it’s not therapy, but it’s a release, it’s a joy, it’s a pleasure. And it’s a job – which is weird, because I don’t think of it as a job.

I’m very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still and balanced and don’t let the brick fall off. Actually, keeping the brick...

Built.” Similarly, a brick is complete in and of itself, but it is also a part of the process of building, and a part of the end result, a newly constructed built.

It was a little weird that they were friends. But then, maybe freaks just tended to find each other.

A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one...

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

If they can worship a weird creature, which is even not existed; why I must not worship a beautiful one who is already here.

I always felt as a kid that I was underappreciated, invisible or weird, but I’ve always secretly thought people would one day appreciate what is different about me. I’m always putting that message out there.

I don’t know that I have a fascination with witches per se – well, maybe I just have a fascination with everything that’s weird.

The Japanese fans always send weird things.

it smelled the way a garage would smell if you left a bear inside it for too long.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.